Fallen

I found out the results of the candidacy exam today. Unfortunately, I didn't pass either section of the exam, which is why the title is what it is. I actually thought I might have passed at least one section, which is probably why this hurts a bit more than I thought it would. I couldn't even keep my emotions in check while in my office. I had to go outside to call my mom and Bree to let them know how I did. Eventually I did pull myself together enough to gather up my things from my office and come back to the apartment.

I'm still feeling kind of bad about it. It's hard to think that with all the time and effort I put into this thing that nothing came of it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm extremely proud of myself that I actually went in and took the test. That, in itself, is quite an accomplishment. But still, I wish I would have done at least a little bit better.

I did get some encouraging words from Dr. Shirer today, though. After he gave me the results, he said that I shouldn't just give up. He also said that he's seen this before. People have failed the first time, and then came back to pass the second time. And he said that based on working with me, he knows I can do it. So, that's encouraging, at least.

Now where do I go from here? I don't know. That's the honest truth. Since people think that I shouldn't lose hope, I guess I'm going to continue on after this MAJOR setback. I mean, it's not like I can't pass the next time. At least, I hope it's not. I just wish this were an easier decision for me. I'm definitely staying here. I've already applied for a new apartment. So, I'm kind of committed to it. All I can do it wait, study and see what happens.

I guess my biggest mistake in this whole thing is really only studying for the exam the couple weeks prior to it. Not that that was entirely my fault, though. I was really busy with grading and teaching and stuff. And I just didn't have any motivation to study beyond that. Still, I did my best, and studied as hard as I could. I don't really know what I would have changed besides studying more often for it.

I'm really trying not to let this get me down too much either, which is hard for me, as many people probably know. I already have so much on my plate with depression and all, that this really sets me back. I was getting somewhat better, thanks to my therapist. Now I don't know though. It brings me back to a sort of self-loathing place that I really don't like to be in, but can't help going to when the going gets rough. I guess this is just more fodder for therapy. Like I need any more stuff to discuss there.

At least I do have a new apartment to fall back on. It should be really nice there too. It's in a nice area of town, plus it's close to all the major shopping places: Wal-Mart, Target, Lowes, Weis, Giant, Wegmans, Best Buy. It's huge too. Lots of space, and it comes with a washer and dryer, which means, no getting quarters every other week to do laundry, and not having to really plan out when to do laundry so I can go at a relatively quiet time. I'll be able to do laundry whenever I want.

Other than that, not much else is new in my life. I'm doing my best to pull myself together and dust myself off so I can continue on with my research and not be setback too much by this news. It may take a couple days, but I'm sure I'll be able to do it.

Some Like It Hot....

.... but I sure as hell am not one of them! I'm so completely sick of the heat and humidity here. It's been over a week now that it's been so hot. I thought there was supposed to be some relief tonight, but apparently not. Or at least not in the form of thunderstorms. The State College effect occurs once again. They've completely crapped out before they got here. Not that I'm entirely surprised. I've heard that relief is on the way for the weekend, but I'm not entirely sure I believe that, even though I study meteorology. I'll believe it when I see it.

Things aren't going too badly here other than not being able to cool off my room enough to sleep well at night. (Sounds familiar to those of you that read this fairly often.) I'm running way behind on sleep, which is not good since I have a presentation to give on Thursday for my group meeting. I'm just hoping that I can catch up in the next couple nights.

So far, I'm pretty sure this presentation isn't going to be one of my finest. I don't exactly have a lot of stuff done to present, but I'll present what stuff I can. I'm still not even sure where I want to go with this research. I'm just getting my feet wet, which is kind of sad, because I've been working with Ray for two semesters now. Unfortunately, the first one of those I had turbulence, which took up a good chunk of time, and the second I was a TA, which took up an even larger chunk. But, I have the whole summer ahead of me with nothing to distract me from my research except for my own lack of motivation. Luckily, that hasn't struck yet; presentations are great motivators.

Speaking of being a TA, sort of, I just looked at the evaluations that Dr. Shirer got for the semester, and overall I'd say the students thought I did a good job, even though many of them criticized my grading. Some thought I was too harsh, but some of those people did grudgingly accept the fact that they learned something from my harsh grading. I know I can be picky, but I wasn't overly bad. Plus, I was a math major and am very adament about using the correct notation. On average, though, I believe that students were averaging mid-to high B's on their problem sets, which is pretty good for a dynamics class. A lot of them commented on how available I was, not that I had anything to do with that. Students would just show up no matter when and I couldn't exactly turn them away. So, I was stuck. But it was a good class. I'm happy with them.

Completely switching tracks, last weekend was pretty fun. A fellow meteo grad and his fiancee held a grill-out. A surprising number of people showed up. It was really fun to just kick back with some fellow meteo grads and relax, eat good food, watch storms roll through, and just have conversations about general things. It was just a great time. I didn't realize how much fun hanging out with some of my fellow students could be. I may have to do that more often.

This next weekend is looking to be pretty good as well. Hopefully my group meeting will actually still be on Thursday, because my advisor is out of town on Friday. Because of that, I'm taking the day off to look at apartments in the area. Hopefully I'll be able to find something I like. It would really help to know for certain how I did on my candidacy exam, but I'm still sticking around next semester at least, no matter what.

Then on Saturday, one of my officemate's husband or boyfriend or something to that effect is having an art exhibit that I'll probably go to. I'm always up for something a bit cultural. So, we'll see what happens.

One other new thing. I've been playing online poker tournaments (for play money) recently, to keep myself sharp for the meteo poker nights. I've found it to be quite fun. Plus, out of the five I've played, I've won twice! Granted, I've been getting rather lucky with catching cards when I need them. It's been great though, not quite the same as playing in real life, but still fun.

Well, I suppose I should get going. I need to try to get some sleep tonight. Hopefully I get more than I've gotten that past couple. If not, I'll just have to load up on caffeine tomorrow. Night!

Hairspray

Well, I'm back from a nice long vacation. It was really great to be back home, and mainly away from State College for a couple weeks. Not that I don't like State College, but sometimes one just has to get away for a while.

The first couple days I had off I spent in Uniontown with Ingrid. We went to see Revenge of the Sith. I thought it was a good movie, definitely better than the previous two sequels, especially the first. The first prequel was the worst. It's sad when the animated creatures are better actors than the kid that was hired to play Anakin. There must have been a major crunch when it came to filming to hire that kid.

The next day we went hiking around Ohiopyle falls. I got some great pictures from there. Maybe even some that are frame-worthy. After I ate dinner at her house, I went to the hotel to leave my car and get up really early for my flight. While I did that, I watched the daytime emmys and was very happy that one of my favorite actresses from my favorite soap finally (!) won an award. She's deserved it for so long. This year was definitely one of her best.

Being at home was great. The first week, I hardly did anything but read and watch TV. I definitely needed the mental relaxation after the candidacy exam. It was really nice to just sleep as long as I wanted to chat with Mom and Bree. I also got some free meals from Grandma and Grandpa. We did some exciting stuff too. We went shopping in Milwaukee after my flight landed. That was fun, even though I was incredibly exhausted after that day.

I think the most exciting thing we did while I was home was going to see Hairspray. It's such a great musical! I absolutely loved it. I knew even before we went to see it that it had to be good because it won so many Tonys and I saw the closing number when I watched the Tonys the year it won. It impressed me so much that I bought the soundtrack without even having seen the show. Based on that, I thought the show had to be great. And it totally lived up to my expectations, even exceeding them. I'd be tempted to go see it again.

We also got to go to the NEW zoo in Green Bay. It's an excellent zoo, on par with some in some bigger cities. I think I got some good pictures of some animals there, but I won't know how they turned out until I get them developed.

Overall, it was a fantastic trip home. I didn't want to leave, but alas, I had to so I could get some research done. So, I'm back, and surprisingly motivated. Hopefully it lasts throughout the summer. Now, all I need to do is find the motivation to find a new apartment. Actually it's the time. I'm sure I can find it though. Hopefully I can find a decent apartment for a good price. We'll see, though.

I guess I should get going. It's time to just chill out and surf the net for a while before bed.