Fallen

I found out the results of the candidacy exam today. Unfortunately, I didn't pass either section of the exam, which is why the title is what it is. I actually thought I might have passed at least one section, which is probably why this hurts a bit more than I thought it would. I couldn't even keep my emotions in check while in my office. I had to go outside to call my mom and Bree to let them know how I did. Eventually I did pull myself together enough to gather up my things from my office and come back to the apartment.

I'm still feeling kind of bad about it. It's hard to think that with all the time and effort I put into this thing that nothing came of it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm extremely proud of myself that I actually went in and took the test. That, in itself, is quite an accomplishment. But still, I wish I would have done at least a little bit better.

I did get some encouraging words from Dr. Shirer today, though. After he gave me the results, he said that I shouldn't just give up. He also said that he's seen this before. People have failed the first time, and then came back to pass the second time. And he said that based on working with me, he knows I can do it. So, that's encouraging, at least.

Now where do I go from here? I don't know. That's the honest truth. Since people think that I shouldn't lose hope, I guess I'm going to continue on after this MAJOR setback. I mean, it's not like I can't pass the next time. At least, I hope it's not. I just wish this were an easier decision for me. I'm definitely staying here. I've already applied for a new apartment. So, I'm kind of committed to it. All I can do it wait, study and see what happens.

I guess my biggest mistake in this whole thing is really only studying for the exam the couple weeks prior to it. Not that that was entirely my fault, though. I was really busy with grading and teaching and stuff. And I just didn't have any motivation to study beyond that. Still, I did my best, and studied as hard as I could. I don't really know what I would have changed besides studying more often for it.

I'm really trying not to let this get me down too much either, which is hard for me, as many people probably know. I already have so much on my plate with depression and all, that this really sets me back. I was getting somewhat better, thanks to my therapist. Now I don't know though. It brings me back to a sort of self-loathing place that I really don't like to be in, but can't help going to when the going gets rough. I guess this is just more fodder for therapy. Like I need any more stuff to discuss there.

At least I do have a new apartment to fall back on. It should be really nice there too. It's in a nice area of town, plus it's close to all the major shopping places: Wal-Mart, Target, Lowes, Weis, Giant, Wegmans, Best Buy. It's huge too. Lots of space, and it comes with a washer and dryer, which means, no getting quarters every other week to do laundry, and not having to really plan out when to do laundry so I can go at a relatively quiet time. I'll be able to do laundry whenever I want.

Other than that, not much else is new in my life. I'm doing my best to pull myself together and dust myself off so I can continue on with my research and not be setback too much by this news. It may take a couple days, but I'm sure I'll be able to do it.