There was no poker tonight, so since I have a little time, I decided to write an entry in here. I don't exactly have a plan on what to put in this entry this time, so I'm just winging it.
I've been in one of my more down periods lately, especially this week. All week I've had the hardest time even wanting to get out of bed in the morning. I'm not sure if it's because I haven't been sleeping well or what. It doesn't help that I have had this damn tension headache for ages now. I think it might be affecting my sleep in some way that I can't quite understand. The only time my head feels somewhat good is when I'm sleeping. But maybe it's just because I'm unconscious and don't notice it as much. I just don't know. I'm going back to the doctor on Friday to see what he says now. I'm really not sure if anything more can be done. I'm just petrified that it's something more than just a tension headache. But we'll see what happens.
Therapy today was interesting. I've been mentioning the constant headaches to Kim for the past several sessions now, and she brought up the idea of seeing a psychiatrist and getting me on some meds. When I first started therapy, I wasn't sure that would be such a great idea. OK, that's not exactly true. I didn't think I needed to be on medication when I first started therapy. But now, my opinion has changed a bit. I figure that all it can do is help. I'm ready to do just about anything to make myself feel better both physically and mentally. With the candidacy exam still looming over me and keeping up with research and classes on the school side, to working through my own personal demons from the past in therapy, lots of thing are ganging up on me, which is probably why I'm so tense and get these headaches.
Besides that, nothing is new in my life. I get up, go to campus, attempt to do something productive, come home, eat, relax, and go to bed. Such an exciting life I have, don't I? And I guess that's it for this entry. Not much to it this time, but that's because I'm a little sleepy, and I can't think of anything more to write.
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2 comments:
John, my friend, what's really going on? As a pro on headaches (particularly tension headaches) I can attest that in the absence of medical evidence, the headaches are stress-related. Yet, it isn't just the candidancy exams coming up. There is something else there. Of course, that's why you're talking to someone, and what you're coming up with probably isn't what you want to post on the Internet. That's fine. But take some time, write about it. Get the feelings out that are locked up. Your body is like a dam; at some point the pressure is too much and needs an outlet. Your headaches are likely a buildup of that pressure.
You know my inbox is always open to you. Heck, we've been pretty open over the last nearly-seven years we've been writing each other. It sounds like it's catharthis time. And you know me, I thrive on getting long e-mails.
For me, when I need to unleash my emotions, I find it easier to write about it as if I'm someone else first. That helps me to put things into perspective so then I can take it back into myself and try to go from there. And no, I'm not perfect, I haven't found all the answers. And some days when I do have the answers I lack the confidence to act on them. And that's another issue entirely.
Thinking of all the writing I've done over the years, I have numerous poems, three novels (one of which is about 150,000 words), numerous scenes or beginnings to longer stories, e-mails, and now a blog. I also have those few friends around I can actually open up to and cry with when I need.
It is good that you have someone you can talk to. I'm hesitant about major medication, and believe me, once upon a time I suffered chronic migraines where even the smallest glimmer of light was unbearable. But the best medicine was always staring myself in the mirror (literally and figuratively) and verbalizing what's going on from an external perspective. Looking at my life from within my life ties me too closely to all the emotion. It helps to step back, look at things as if they're happening to someone else, then thinking about advice I'd give that person. It surely does help.
And if you need a sounding board for that, you can write to me. Be well.
Steve, you'll be getting an email from me one of these days. :) It'll be in the next few days... I'll be sure to make time to write a long email.
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