D-Day Eve

Tomorrow's the day. I find out how I did on the candidacy exam for the second time. I'm not entirely sure how I feel about it. I've had this panicky feeling since I found out that the faculty meeting to discuss the candidacy exam is tomorrow. (I found this out about a week ago.) When I first got the email, a wave of feelings swept through me. Excitement, dread, delirium, panic were all swirling around my head. Mainly that combination of so many emotions left me feeling a little nauseated.

So, I've been feeling that way for about a week now. Not all the time, but fairly often. Usually at times I can put it aside for the sake of doing something else. However, today has been a rather rough day. Actually from about 3:30 on has been rough. I finished teaching at 3:20, then went back to my office. At that point I got a terribly bad headache and started feeling a bit queasy. So, I decided to catch a bus to get my car so I could come back to my apartment and try to not think about what's coming tomorrow. I did that relatively well, but now that it's close to bed time, I can't stop thinking about it.

Part of me doesn't want to go to sleep because then tomorrow will just come sooner, and I'm just fearing the worst: that I won't pass yet again, and they're going to kick me out of the department. Of course, interspersed with that are feelings of confidence. OK, maybe not confidence, but at least some hope that I'll get good news. I'm trying to not get my hopes up, because I let my hopes fly too high last time, and the crash and burn from that was nearly too much to handle. I don't know if I can deal rationally with that kind of disappointment once again. I really don't. Luckily, I do have my weekly therapy appointment tomorrow, so whatever news I get, I can start to process in therapy. But still, the anticipation is killing me.

I really wish that they wouldn't have told us so far in advance about the faculty meeting tomorrow. I don't know if it would have been better hearing it with only one day's warning, though. The only thing that would have done was ease the concern about that for about six days.

I swear, some of the faculty get off on torturing us students. Not only do they make us take a hellish exam, but then we have to wait weeks on end to find out the results. Then the only information we get is if we pass or fail. We have to wait several more weeks to get feedback on all the questions we answered because the graders want to remain anonymous. That part does make sense. Having it be a double blind test is a good way to deal with it. However, we students are still getting the short end of the stick because our answers don't get typed up. So, any faculty that may have had us in a class might be able to identify our handwriting. I doubt that, but it is possible. But the professor's comments get typed up so the students don't have a chance to say that one professor hated them and wanted them to get out of grad school. Still, though, I think it could be slightly more fair.

I just don't know what to expect though. Plus, I don't want to go to sleep. As much as I've wanted to get my results, I didn't expect them to come out this soon. I almost want to postpone the inevitable.

The only thing that's keeping me relatively sane with regards to this test is that I know I walked out of both days of it feeling like I put 110% into each section. So even if I fail, I can hold my head up high. At least theoretically, anyway. If I do fail, I may not be able to hold my head at all. I may just bash it into the nearest wall.

Another thing that's getting to me is that the faculty meeting, again, is coming at a time when my advisor isn't hear. So, I really have no one to stick up for me, should it come down to it. I mean, sure, some of the other professors want me to pass, but I don't think that would carry as much weight as it would if it were my advisor talking. So, I'm a little annoyed by that.

But, on the other hand, pass or fail, I'm going to be in Hawaii in less than two weeks. That will either be a nice reward for doing well, or my last hurrah before finishing up the work I'm being paid for before making my way into the work force.

Now I should get to bed, so this whole waiting thing can be over. Of course, I still have to wait until noon to get the results (damn teaching getting in the way of things), but at least my mind will be semi-occupied during the morning. Alrighty, off to bed to try to get a decent night's sleep. I have a feeling that will be rather futile, but I've got to try. An update will come tomorrow with the news, good or bad.....