Escapes

I've been meaning to do a semi-philosophical post for some time now, but never had the energy or time. Well, that's not entirely true. I had time last night, but the site was down so I couldn't do a damn thing. But, today I have time, mainly because I'm waiting for data to process yet again.

So, lately I've been having a rough time coming to work and actually doing work. Who can blame me, though? I've been feeling sucker-punched by the whole candidacy thing basically since I've found out that I didn't pass. It's really hard to want to do productive work when you're feeling like you're useless to the department, which is how I've been feeling lately. I realize that the department doesn't really feel that way, otherwise they wouldn't be keeping me on for an extra six months to help pad my way to finding a job. But, still, it's hard to feel like I'm a worthwhile member of the department.

Last week was a particularly rough week. I truly wanted to be anywhere but State College for most of last week. I just felt like giving up on the whole Penn State thing. I'm completely serious about wanting to be anywhere else, too. It wouldn't have mattered if it were in a different city in PA, a different state, a different country, hell, even the moon. And I guess it isn't too surprising that I'd be in that state of mind finally. It took a while for me to get over the shock and then the denial of everything. Last week I just couldn't take it anymore.

Because of all this, I've been doing a lot of escaping lately. Mainly figuratively, of course. I watch my soaps everyday, which I did before, but lately it's been especially nice to escape into other people's lives and see them have bigger problems than I have.

Besides that I've been doing other things just to keep my mind occupied. The last few weekends when I haven't been visiting with friends I've been playing my Super Nintendo. (I'm really, really old school when it comes to video games.) That's a nice escape, too, because it brings me back to when I was younger and didn't have so much on my plate. I've discovered that it doesn't seem to take as long to beat some of the games as I used to think it did. I beat Super Mario 3 in four hours and Super Mario World in six hours (approximately). Of course, I did both of these without much interruption, which doesn't usually happen. I'll be doing a bit more of this next week while I'm home. I'm bringing it home and my sister and I are going to play a bit, just to have some down time.

I also escape by going to the bookstore or the mall. I like to be around a large mass of people, but not necessarily know anyone where I am. It kind of makes me feel invisible, or at least like I don't have to hide what I'm feeling quite as much. I guess it's easier to be myself when I'm surrounded by strangers. With people I know, I typically feel like I have to pretend to be something that I'm not. What that is I'm not entirely sure, and it varies depending on the people. That's why I've been more antisocial than normal the past week or so.

This weekend, though, I became more social. I went to visit Ingrid in Uniontown, just to get away from State College for a while. It was nice, because I didn't have to make decisions about what to do for the most part, and I could let me guard down a bit. Plus, we went and did stuff, which helped to keep my mind occupied. I think that helped me make a relatively quick upswing in my mood.

Of course, knowing that I'm going on vacation in a couple days is also helping. I'm especially looking forward to this trip home. I usually like getting away, but I think I really deserve it this time. Plus, I've been pretty productive considering everything that's happened lately, so I don't feel too bad about taking a week off.

I guess this wasn't as philosophical as I thought it was going to be, or at least as what I had mapped in my head. Either way, though, I think this is a very good way to celebrate my 100th post. I can't believe that I have that many posts. Time flies when you're incredibly busy I guess.

Anyway, I guess that's all. Now I have to find something else to occupy my mind while I wait for data to process. Happy 100th post to me, and here's to 100 more!