It's been a while since I've posted anything on my blog, so, since I have a little time today, I'm going to post about the mian news that's going on in my life at the moment. Some of you that know about my life pretty well may be able to guess what this entry is about just by the title. Anyway, before I start going off on tangents, I'll get to the meat of this post.
I'm officially no longer a PhD student here. That's right, I wasn't able to pass the physics section of the candidacy exam, so now I have to figure out what to do with my life. I'm having a very hard time getting a grip on the fact that I'm not continuing on. This was never even a possibility when considering a game plan. I had thought that just by sticking it out and taking the stupid exam three times in a row would be enough to qualify me as a PhD student. The fact that I hadn't gone completely insane during this academic hazing is practically a miracle.
The thing that is really bugging me about the whole thing is that I thought I had the exam in the bag when I walked out of it in May. I had seen one of the questions on the undergrad thermo homework so I was feeling relatively confident that I did really well on that question. The other two questions I was less confident about, but I thought I made a good enough effort that I could at least get a conditional pass out of the faculty. Apparently, I was completely mistaken, though. It's actually quite silly of me to think that I would be able to stick around, especially since after my masters' defense, I was told that my committee didn't think I should pursue a PhD. But being part German, part Bohemian, and all scorpio makes me a very stubborn, persistent person. So, I thought, to hell with them, I'm going to do this and shove it in their faces. So much for that idea.
Here I was starting to feel like I was making my own place in the department, and starting to make real progress on my research, and then I get the rug pulled out from under me with this news. Luckily, I was planning on leaving for home immediately after I heard the news, so I had a chance to process it a little on my drive home. (The drive is incredibly boring up until Chicago, so I had lots of time where my brain was hardly working.) Then, while I was at home, I was very very good at denying that the news even happened. Well, not so much denying as it was not really facing the truth. Coming back here was difficult, and it was even harder to go into work the Monday before last. I was really thinking of various ways to kill time so I wouldn't have to be there for all that long. But, I stuck it out and chatted with Ray, and thankfully he was giving me the space I needed to really sort things out.
Another lucky thing for me is that Ray's able to keep me supported through the fall semester, so it's not like I'm being shoved out the department's door right away. I really do want to finish whatever I can with the research I'm doing, but yet a significant part of me just wants to tell the department to fuck off. I know I can't do this, or at least I shouldn't if I want to get any decent letters of recommendation from them. But it's incredibly tempting to just leave them in a lurch.
It's also pissing me off that I was making a place in the department for me and I was seriously motivated to do the research I signed on for as well as moving forward into my own project. I really did want to see if I could see what causes periods of oxygen depletion on the east coast continental shelf. I figured it would be a really interesting thing to work on, and it may even be helpful in making environmental policy. But now I can't work on it, or at least I wouldn't be funded to work on it. I was doing some really good things because I felt like I'd be around for quite some time to work on the project.
And yes, I realize that I wasn't exactly doing exceptional research, and that was something that Ray couldn't really use in my benefit, and he told me so when he came down with the news. The problem I have with that is that it's very hard for me to be really motivated to do work when I'm not even sure that I'm going to be in the department for that long. It was all based on if I would pass the candidacy exam. The only reason I was starting to be really motivated is that I figured that the department wouldn't just cut me loose after investing in me for four years. I had just assumed that I'd be sticking around, and that was enough for me to actually start trying to accomplish something.
Now that I know I'm no longer going to be doing research beyond December, my motivation has taken a rather sharp nosedive. Most days it's hard enough for me to even get to Walker much less do anything productive. I'm hoping that once I get over this melancholy (for lack of a better word) I can be productive enough to have something worth publishing.
The one thing that I may have going for me is that I have made enough contacts through various places that I'm hoping I'll be able to find a job relatively soon. I'm planning on contacting my old profs from undergrad to see if they can keep their ears open for any teaching opportunities in the midwest area, just so I can be closer to home, which will make it less of a hassle to plan when I can come home. There are also people that work at NASA and NOAA in the group dealing with the carbon cycle that I'm a part of. So, just in those two areas, I have a decent number of sources I can go to to look for jobs.
There is one thing, though, that is bringing me immediate satisfaction, and that's the fact that I'm no longer a student. To be honest, I was really getting burnt out with the whole school thing. I mean, I've been in school in some fashion since I was five. So, to not have to think about taking tests, doing homework, and just the normal stresses of being a student is kind of nice. At least in the long run it will be. Right now, I'm having a hard time looking at the bright side of things, which should surprise no one that knows me relatively well.
But, anyway, that's my life in a nutshell. I'm just trying to make it through each day and picking up the pieces of my overturned life. And now, I'm going to start getting ready to go see the fireworks. Or at least, I'll attempt to. I've had a headache almost all day, and it feels like it's going away, but we'll see what happens in the next half-hour or so. I'm just hoping it doesn't rain, and that I can find a decent spot to watch them from. It would be nice to have people to go with, but it doesn't look like that's going to happen, so just going will have to do for me.
Happy Independence Day, everyone!
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