It starts....

Well, the semester has officially begun. I'm not sure how to feel about that. Mostly, I'm a little bummed. I absolutely love summers in State College. You can walk around campus without feeling overly claustrophobic. If you want to go to a bar (which I only occasionally do), you can easily find someplace to sit and you can talk with whomever you went with without feeling like your shouting to make yourself heard. And you can get on any loop or link and not have to worry about it being overcrowded.

However, with the passing of time, summers end and the fall semester begins. Now all the undergrads are back on campus and some of them are being a bit more stupid than I thought they were. For example, I was on the bus this afternoon heading back to my car in the BJC lot. I got on at College and Allen, which is typically what I do on days that I have therapy. And already the buses are starting to run slow. (Not even two days into the frickin' semester....) So, the blue loop was pretty crowded because people are scared to walk very far in the rain, I guess. I'm included in that, but I have a lot farther to go than most of the people taking the bus. Anyway, I'm sort of digressing here. Apparently today was being an idiot day on the bus. First, someone didn't pull the cord until we were right at the stop he wanted to get off at, which I can accept if he's new here. Then, a few stops later, someone else decides to sneak in the back doors of the bus, even though it's relatively clearly labeled that people shouldn't enter that way. The bus driver did call him on it, which was gratifying to me. Last, there was this group of three Asian people near the back door just yammering on like there was no tomorrow. The bus driver repeatedly goes on the intercom to tell people to move to the back of the bus. But do they move? Nope! All they do is squeeze in closer to the back door. It's not that hard to move up a couple steps and get closer to the back of the bus, but people in general don't seem to get that concept. I swear, some people should just have the word "moron" tattooed on their forehead so the rest of us can avoid them when possible.

In case you haven't noticed, I'm kind of in ranting mode today.

I've come to the conclusion recently that people who have really loud bass in their cars should, at the very least, be smacked upside the head repeatedly. I concluded this while I was at home a couple weeks ago for a mini-vacation. Now, granted, our house isn't exactly new, so a little noise getting in is to be expected. Plus, we live on a somewhat busy street. So I can totally expect noise to occur. And I'm fine with that. However, on numerous occasions a car would go zooming down the street with bass blaring out of the car so loud that our house would rattle. Is there really any necessity for that? It just doesn't make sense. Plus, most of the time, the cars that have loud bass are either old, poorly made, or falling apart, so as the car goes past, the bass doesn't even sound from the outside, and I can only assume that it doesn't sound good on the inside either. Of course, these same people are probably half-deaf so it doesn't make a difference to them. I just find it incredibly annoying. Very few cars are built decently enough to support a sound system that can pump out that much bass. Plus, I don't think there is any excuse for people to deem it necessary to share what they're listening to in their car with the rest of the outside world. But, that is just my opinion.

One more rant before going on. So, I'm trying to get people organized for the upcoming candidacy exam, which I'm still bitter I have to retake completely, but I'll just have to get over that. Anyway, I'm trying to set a time for anyone who's interested in studying as a group to get together to organize when/where to meet. Plus, I also want to discuss the possibility of getting the exam moved to before Christmas rather than after. So, trying to find a time to meet this week yet is hard enough when working around nine different schedules. What makes it tougher is when several people don't send me what times they are free. So, I have limited data to go on there. That's part a of this rant. Part b is that one person didn't respond to my original email that I sent out to all of the grad students. This person was writing to a different person who has the same first and last initials as me, but a different middle initial, and therefore, a different email address. So, he comes in to tell me that I didn't put him on the list. Well, I told him that I hadn't gotten any emails from him, and he didn't believe me. So I bring up my email and show him, and he wants to look at all the different names I've gotten email from before he believes me. Then he tells me that he's been sending it to someone else. How does someone do that? I mean, whenever I want to respond to someone's email, I hit "reply" and type away. So, that made me a little upset today. Usually I can tolerate other people's blonde moments, especially since I have them quite often, but today I just was in no mood for it. Part c (yes, this is a rant of many parts) is that I decided on a time that I thought would work for most everyone, and it turns out the first time I had proposed worked better. Of course, this goes back to part a. I had limited data to work with, so I had to make do with what I had. I eventually decided to go back to the original time I had proposed because it worked for more people. So, hopefully everyone will show up.

Now on to other things....

As one of my previous entries stated, last week I played poker with a group of meteo grads and other people. Apparently lady luck was hovering over me because I actually won!!! I was utterly shocked by it. By the time we got the group pared down to five people I had half of the chips in play. So, I knew that unless I made a huge mistake, I should still wind up in the money. How I got most of those chips is really quite impressive. I had pocket aces and Chuck had ace/queen, I think. I was slowplaying my aces. How could I not? I didn't want to scare anyone out of the pot. So, the flop has an ace in it. I make a modest bet and Chuck goes all in. I do a little acting and look at my hole cards again, and then call. Needless to say, Chuck was shocked by what I had, and I won the hand. So, I was impressed with that bit of skill I had. I was actually playing really well. I even had some pretty good reads on people, which I usually don't have. So, I'm happy with my performance.

Other than that, not much else is new. I'm going to Uniontown this weekend to see Ingrid and to get out of State College for a while. I don't foresee that happening anytime in the near future, so I might as well take advantage of it while I can. I'm not sure yet what we're doing, but even if it's not much, it'll still be fun.

Today I had therapy. It was a rough one today. I hate the slowness of the healing process. While it's true that I have a lot of issues to work through, sometimes I wish there was just a magic pill that would make it all better. And I'm not talking about anti-depressants. Those might help, but they're not a cure. It would definitely only be a band-aid for me. At least recently, I can actually start working on the hard stuff, issues dealing with my father and everything that's happened in the past five or so years. Well, actually my entire life, but it completely changed about five years ago. It's going to be a rough going, but hopefully I'll make it through. I just get tired of going at it basically on my own. I haven't told most of my friends about it because I really don't want to burden them and because it would take so damn long to go through my life story. Eventually, maybe I'll tell some people, just so I don't have to support myself through it, becuase I get tired of supporting myself. It's really quite exhausting. Of course, today, I comforted myself with a chocolate shake from Irving's, so I'm feeling a little better now. That may be just a sugar rush, though.

Anyway, I have lots to think about/brood over from my session today, which is why I'm glad I've arranged it so that I can just go home right after therapy. I definitely don't think I could have handled going back to the office today after my session. It would have been way too hard.

Well, I suppose I should be off now. I've been writing in here for long enough. I should really go get some food because I feel the sugar rush starting to subside. Besides this entry is getting to be way too long the way it is. I really shouldn't save stuff to write about for so long. But time just doesn't always allow for me to write entries. So, I make do with what I have. On that note, I really must be off so I can eat!

Katrina

I've decided for this entry (and possibly all future entries) to forego the titling convention I'd set up a few months back by naming my posts with movie titles. This entry is going to be more "newsy" than others have been. But it's something I feel that I should write about.

Obviously, this entry is going to be on Hurricane Katrina. I think it's very appropriate. It is a monster storm that left damage, destruction, and devastation in its wake.

It was a very impressive storm after it first crossed extreme southern Florida and strengthened in the Gulf of Mexico. At 6:00 pm last night (eastern time) the eye was incredible. I haven't seen an eye like that in a storm in quite some time. I don't usually put pictures in my blog, but I'll make an exception this once. (Of course, if I like how it turns out, you may be seeing pictures again.) I saved this one from the NOAA website. It's the GOES storm floater visible satellite picture yesterday late afternoon.

So, the hurricane made landfall early this morning in Louisiana, and then again on the LA/MS border. I watched a little of the coverage this morning while I was eating breakfast. What can I say? I'm a weather weenie. I'm very interested in storms and the destruction they leave behind. But then I had to go to campus to try to get some work done, which was hard to do with all the articles I could read about what was going on with the storm.

Needless to say, I didn't get a whole lot done today. One of the articles I read from cnn.com told of how New Orleans could have become a huge expanse of toxic sludge, what with the possibility of water treatment plants being ripped apart by the storm and other such buildings. I was deeply disturbed by this article mainly because I felt bad for anyone that had no means of evacuating the city when they had the chance. The most disturbing part of the article was a comment by Ivor van Heerden, from the LSU Hurricane Center:

"Imagine you're the poor person who decides not to evacuate: Your house will disintegrate around you. The best you'll be able to do is hang on to a light pole, and while you're hanging on, the fire ants from all the mounds -- of which there is two per yard on average -- will clamber up that same pole. And eventually, the fire ants will win."

Isn't that just a depressing thought? I'm not even sure what to make of that. My guess is that the ants will viciously attack the human clinging to the light pole for dear life and I guess that person is going to die. Talk about horrible ways to die! (If you want, you can read the whole article here.)

Just watching the damage being shown from various sources today kind of makes one take stock of one's life. There was another article I read today, again on cnn.com (click here). The quote that I found incredibly sad is as follows:

"The water's rising pretty fast. I got a hammer and an ax and a crowbar, but I'm holding off on breaking through the roof until the last minute. Tell someone to come get me please. I want to live."

This is from Chris Robinson (via cnn.com) talking to the Associated Press on his cell phone. I cannot imagine what it must have been like being anywhere that Katrina had hit. I don't know how or if I could have handled it. Of course, then there are those reporters who are getting blown around trying to show people what it's like in the hurricane, but yet telling them that their best bet is to stay inside. Um, hello? Shouldn't you be following your own advice? I realize that a video camera is not going to be able to withstand hurricane force winds if left alone outside, but take video from inside a building. Or at least wait until there is a lull in the storm, relatively speaking, of course. But, hey, who am I to judge what's been going on for as long as I can remember? I'm just saying that one of these times, some guy reporting the news is going to get hurt in one of these storms, and it isn't going to be pretty.

I also heard on CNN on Paula Zahn's show that in one of the states, I can't remember which right now because there was so much devastation, that some of the rescuers saw bodies floating in the floodwaters. It really makes me sad that some people didn't have the means to escape before the storm hit. It makes me angry at the others who figured this would just be a false alarm again, kind of like the boy who cried wolf, so they decided to stay and wait it out. I think this might teach people to take the weather seriously.

Well, I think I've hit all the things I want to say about this storm. My thoughts and prayers go out to those survivors that they get rescued and can return to their homes and rebuild their lives. Even with my morbid curiousity and needing to see coverage a lot, my heart still goes out to these people. Now, with that, I say good night at this time. My next entry will hopefully not be so serious, but who knows? It all depends on what's going on in the world.

*edited 9/5/05 11:22am

Insomnia

Well, I'm back to posting in this blog again. I know, I'm becoming really crappy at it. I just never seem to have enough time to devote to writing one of "my entries." I put that in quotes because mine seem to be longer than the average person's. It's no big surprise to me that I don't seem to get many comments from people. I think most get bored after about a paragraph.

So, let's see, what's been happening with me in the last month. I think I've just about settled into my new apartment, finally. There are a few more things I'd like to arrange, but things are really starting to come together nicely. It definitely feels more homey than any other place I've lived in so far. I think this may just be my permanent home until I'm done at Penn State, whenever that may be.

I did get to go home last week, which is always really nice. The only part about it I didn't like so much was the drive. I forgot what a horrendously boring drive that can be. And of course, I decide that I should go home the week where it's really hot and humid out. I didn't have a whole lot of choice in the matter, though. I have to give a presentation at our group meeting this week, and last week my therapist was on vacation, so it made sense for me to as well. Anyway, the drive wasn't very eventful either way. On the way home, I got stuck for an hour in a traffic jam in north central Ohio. There was a really bad accident; a semi went off the road, and as I was going past, I couldn't see the cab, only the trailer. I'm not entirely sure what happened. I do feel kind of bad, though, for thinking, as I was stuck in traffic, that there had better be a bad accident holding us up. But, I was a little pissy, and hot, and sweaty, with no air conditioning. After that, though, the drive was pretty boring. I hit some heavy rain in Indiana, but after that, it was smooth sailing, even in Chicago. It was after 8:00 central time when I got there, so rush hour was pretty much over. I've come to believe that there is never going to be a time in Chicago when there is no traffic, though.

My week at home, was very nice, though. I didn't do much of anything, which is how vacation is supposed to be. I watched tv, played with Higgins, read some more of Wicked, went to visit the grandparents, and spent some time with Mom and Bree. We also rented some movies. Guess Who is a pretty cute movie, although a little predictable. It wasn't the best movie on earth, but it was at least entertaining. I also saw The Aviator. I must say, I'm not all that thrilled with that movie. First of all, it was nearly three hours long. Secondly, it didn't start to get really interesting until nearly two hours into the movie. I was very tempted several times to just stop watching it, but I'm too stubborn to give up. Plus it got so much Oscar buzz that I thought it had to get pretty good sometime. Third was the ending. By that, I mean, it ended. It didn't feel like the story was finished at all. It just kind of stopped, like whoever was making it got bored with it or ran out of money or something. I hate it when movies do that. That's like reading a novel and finishing 100 pages from the end. What's the point?

Anyway, on to my drive back here. Again, it was hot and humid, and rather uneventful. Chicago had lots of traffic for a Saturday because there was an air and water show. And a cold front moved through the night before, but I felt like I was following the rain the entire drive back here. Then when I got back, I unloaded my car, and spent several hours sitting up because I was overcaffeinated and overtired. I didn't get to sleep until 5:00 AM. I wasn't a happy camper. I've never been that wired before. I think I'm still catching up on sleep.

Well, I think I'm going to stop for now. It's poker night tonight, and I need to head out pretty soon. Hopefully the poker gods are smiling on me.

Independence Day

Well, I'm back and I have some time before I normally go to sleep to write something in here. It's taken me a while, but things have been kind of crazy for me, what with moving and all. I've totally forgotten how long it takes to get an apartment all situated. True, I haven't been spending all that much time on it, but it's still taking quite a while. But the place I'm living in now is very, very nice. Spacious, nice big kitchen, pretty large bedroom, and a walk-in closet! I definitely can see me settling here for the rest of my time at Penn State, however long that may be.

So, what have I done in the past month, besides move? Honestly, not a whole lot. Moving is always quite the ordeal. I did have a lot of people help me out, though, which was really, really nice. With that many people, and almost all of them bringing their own car, things went really fast. I moved most of my stuff in about three hours. I gotta love that!

Lately, I've been doing a lot of shopping for stuff for the apt. I forgot how much extra stuff I needed after having lived with roommates last year. I still don't think I'm completely done with the shopping part, though. There are still some things I'd really like to get, like a couple throw pillows for my futons so I don't have to lean up against a wooden arm. I'm sure there is other stuff, too, but I can never think of it until I'm out shopping.

I'm slowly starting to get settled in, though. Most of my big furniture was where I wanted it to be within a couple days, mainly because it's easier to move other stuff around without having to avoid tripping over the big stuff. Now it's just the little stuff I have to worry about finding places for. But it will get done at some point, hopefully before the semester starts.

Another thing I've spent a good chunk of time doing is reading the latest Harry Potter book. Karen is the office gatekeeper of the book. She's been passing it around the office, because most of us are too cheap to buy it in hardcover. I got it right after she was done reading it. It was a very good book. A pretty quick read, and I never thought I'd say this about any of the Potter books, but this one could have been a bit longer. There were many details from previous books that I had to think back on. This book did lay out a lot of stuff that needs to be tied-up in the last book. I have a feeling the last book is going to be very long in order to tie everything up.

The only thing I could possibly complain about this book is the reveal of who the half-blood prince is. It seemed kind of anti-climatic. However, at the end of the book a main character dies, and it's incredibly sad. I'm not saying any more for those people that read this blog and may not yet have read the book. I don't want to spoil it for anyone.

Other than that not much else is new. Well, besides the fact I almost got run over today. I was at the corner of College and Allen, which is typically a pretty busy intersection. Anyway, I got off the bus to stop at the ATM and get some breakfast from Irving's and I was about to cross the street. I waited for the walk signal to come up, and I started to proceed across the street. Luckily, I decided to look to make sure no cars were coming. All of a sudden I see this pickup truck barreling down College, going through the red light at least ten seconds after it turned red. There was no way he thought he could make it before the light turned red. I'm just glad I had the foresight to look to make sure there were no oncoming vehicles. Becuase at the speed he was going, I definitely would have been severely injured, if not dead.

So, that was my excitement for the day. And I think on that note, it's a good time to sign out of my blog. Hopefully my next entry won't be quite so far from now, but one can never tell with me.

Two Weeks' Notice

Well, it's official. Two weeks from today I'm moving to a new apartment. I'm actually kind of excited. Not about the actual moving itself, mind you. I'm so incredibly sick of packing up my life and moving every summer. I'm just excited because it's such a nice place. Very spacious, huge kitchen, and it has a washer and dryer included. Yes, it's a bit expensive, but having the washer/dryer in my apartment will save me time and money. Plus, it's on the other side of town, near Wal-Mart, Target, three different grocery stores, Best Buy, etc. And it's right near the bypass, so I can get to the mall pretty quickly, and I can just hop on the highway within minutes and head to Altoona.

Other than that, not much else is new with me. I've been dealing with the not-passing the qualifying exam thing as well as I can. I'm still not thrilled, but it gets easier with every day. I haven't really let it stop me from doing what I would normally do every day.

I've also signed up for message boards for the soaps I watched. It's kind of fun, actually. It's nice to be able to chat with people around the country about the soaps I watch, since I can only do that with my friend Ingrid every once in a great while. I really enjoy it. Plus, it's nice to see other people feel the same way I do about the shows I watch.

Tomorrow I'm off to Greensburg to go to a mall and visit with Ingrid. It should be fun. It'll definitely be nice to get out of State College for a while. It's a nice town, don't get me wrong, but I like to get out every now and then.

Well, I guess that's it. I probably won't post anything before the fourth, so Happy Independence Day!

Fallen

I found out the results of the candidacy exam today. Unfortunately, I didn't pass either section of the exam, which is why the title is what it is. I actually thought I might have passed at least one section, which is probably why this hurts a bit more than I thought it would. I couldn't even keep my emotions in check while in my office. I had to go outside to call my mom and Bree to let them know how I did. Eventually I did pull myself together enough to gather up my things from my office and come back to the apartment.

I'm still feeling kind of bad about it. It's hard to think that with all the time and effort I put into this thing that nothing came of it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm extremely proud of myself that I actually went in and took the test. That, in itself, is quite an accomplishment. But still, I wish I would have done at least a little bit better.

I did get some encouraging words from Dr. Shirer today, though. After he gave me the results, he said that I shouldn't just give up. He also said that he's seen this before. People have failed the first time, and then came back to pass the second time. And he said that based on working with me, he knows I can do it. So, that's encouraging, at least.

Now where do I go from here? I don't know. That's the honest truth. Since people think that I shouldn't lose hope, I guess I'm going to continue on after this MAJOR setback. I mean, it's not like I can't pass the next time. At least, I hope it's not. I just wish this were an easier decision for me. I'm definitely staying here. I've already applied for a new apartment. So, I'm kind of committed to it. All I can do it wait, study and see what happens.

I guess my biggest mistake in this whole thing is really only studying for the exam the couple weeks prior to it. Not that that was entirely my fault, though. I was really busy with grading and teaching and stuff. And I just didn't have any motivation to study beyond that. Still, I did my best, and studied as hard as I could. I don't really know what I would have changed besides studying more often for it.

I'm really trying not to let this get me down too much either, which is hard for me, as many people probably know. I already have so much on my plate with depression and all, that this really sets me back. I was getting somewhat better, thanks to my therapist. Now I don't know though. It brings me back to a sort of self-loathing place that I really don't like to be in, but can't help going to when the going gets rough. I guess this is just more fodder for therapy. Like I need any more stuff to discuss there.

At least I do have a new apartment to fall back on. It should be really nice there too. It's in a nice area of town, plus it's close to all the major shopping places: Wal-Mart, Target, Lowes, Weis, Giant, Wegmans, Best Buy. It's huge too. Lots of space, and it comes with a washer and dryer, which means, no getting quarters every other week to do laundry, and not having to really plan out when to do laundry so I can go at a relatively quiet time. I'll be able to do laundry whenever I want.

Other than that, not much else is new in my life. I'm doing my best to pull myself together and dust myself off so I can continue on with my research and not be setback too much by this news. It may take a couple days, but I'm sure I'll be able to do it.

Some Like It Hot....

.... but I sure as hell am not one of them! I'm so completely sick of the heat and humidity here. It's been over a week now that it's been so hot. I thought there was supposed to be some relief tonight, but apparently not. Or at least not in the form of thunderstorms. The State College effect occurs once again. They've completely crapped out before they got here. Not that I'm entirely surprised. I've heard that relief is on the way for the weekend, but I'm not entirely sure I believe that, even though I study meteorology. I'll believe it when I see it.

Things aren't going too badly here other than not being able to cool off my room enough to sleep well at night. (Sounds familiar to those of you that read this fairly often.) I'm running way behind on sleep, which is not good since I have a presentation to give on Thursday for my group meeting. I'm just hoping that I can catch up in the next couple nights.

So far, I'm pretty sure this presentation isn't going to be one of my finest. I don't exactly have a lot of stuff done to present, but I'll present what stuff I can. I'm still not even sure where I want to go with this research. I'm just getting my feet wet, which is kind of sad, because I've been working with Ray for two semesters now. Unfortunately, the first one of those I had turbulence, which took up a good chunk of time, and the second I was a TA, which took up an even larger chunk. But, I have the whole summer ahead of me with nothing to distract me from my research except for my own lack of motivation. Luckily, that hasn't struck yet; presentations are great motivators.

Speaking of being a TA, sort of, I just looked at the evaluations that Dr. Shirer got for the semester, and overall I'd say the students thought I did a good job, even though many of them criticized my grading. Some thought I was too harsh, but some of those people did grudgingly accept the fact that they learned something from my harsh grading. I know I can be picky, but I wasn't overly bad. Plus, I was a math major and am very adament about using the correct notation. On average, though, I believe that students were averaging mid-to high B's on their problem sets, which is pretty good for a dynamics class. A lot of them commented on how available I was, not that I had anything to do with that. Students would just show up no matter when and I couldn't exactly turn them away. So, I was stuck. But it was a good class. I'm happy with them.

Completely switching tracks, last weekend was pretty fun. A fellow meteo grad and his fiancee held a grill-out. A surprising number of people showed up. It was really fun to just kick back with some fellow meteo grads and relax, eat good food, watch storms roll through, and just have conversations about general things. It was just a great time. I didn't realize how much fun hanging out with some of my fellow students could be. I may have to do that more often.

This next weekend is looking to be pretty good as well. Hopefully my group meeting will actually still be on Thursday, because my advisor is out of town on Friday. Because of that, I'm taking the day off to look at apartments in the area. Hopefully I'll be able to find something I like. It would really help to know for certain how I did on my candidacy exam, but I'm still sticking around next semester at least, no matter what.

Then on Saturday, one of my officemate's husband or boyfriend or something to that effect is having an art exhibit that I'll probably go to. I'm always up for something a bit cultural. So, we'll see what happens.

One other new thing. I've been playing online poker tournaments (for play money) recently, to keep myself sharp for the meteo poker nights. I've found it to be quite fun. Plus, out of the five I've played, I've won twice! Granted, I've been getting rather lucky with catching cards when I need them. It's been great though, not quite the same as playing in real life, but still fun.

Well, I suppose I should get going. I need to try to get some sleep tonight. Hopefully I get more than I've gotten that past couple. If not, I'll just have to load up on caffeine tomorrow. Night!

Hairspray

Well, I'm back from a nice long vacation. It was really great to be back home, and mainly away from State College for a couple weeks. Not that I don't like State College, but sometimes one just has to get away for a while.

The first couple days I had off I spent in Uniontown with Ingrid. We went to see Revenge of the Sith. I thought it was a good movie, definitely better than the previous two sequels, especially the first. The first prequel was the worst. It's sad when the animated creatures are better actors than the kid that was hired to play Anakin. There must have been a major crunch when it came to filming to hire that kid.

The next day we went hiking around Ohiopyle falls. I got some great pictures from there. Maybe even some that are frame-worthy. After I ate dinner at her house, I went to the hotel to leave my car and get up really early for my flight. While I did that, I watched the daytime emmys and was very happy that one of my favorite actresses from my favorite soap finally (!) won an award. She's deserved it for so long. This year was definitely one of her best.

Being at home was great. The first week, I hardly did anything but read and watch TV. I definitely needed the mental relaxation after the candidacy exam. It was really nice to just sleep as long as I wanted to chat with Mom and Bree. I also got some free meals from Grandma and Grandpa. We did some exciting stuff too. We went shopping in Milwaukee after my flight landed. That was fun, even though I was incredibly exhausted after that day.

I think the most exciting thing we did while I was home was going to see Hairspray. It's such a great musical! I absolutely loved it. I knew even before we went to see it that it had to be good because it won so many Tonys and I saw the closing number when I watched the Tonys the year it won. It impressed me so much that I bought the soundtrack without even having seen the show. Based on that, I thought the show had to be great. And it totally lived up to my expectations, even exceeding them. I'd be tempted to go see it again.

We also got to go to the NEW zoo in Green Bay. It's an excellent zoo, on par with some in some bigger cities. I think I got some good pictures of some animals there, but I won't know how they turned out until I get them developed.

Overall, it was a fantastic trip home. I didn't want to leave, but alas, I had to so I could get some research done. So, I'm back, and surprisingly motivated. Hopefully it lasts throughout the summer. Now, all I need to do is find the motivation to find a new apartment. Actually it's the time. I'm sure I can find it though. Hopefully I can find a decent apartment for a good price. We'll see, though.

I guess I should get going. It's time to just chill out and surf the net for a while before bed.

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest

Stick a fork in me..... I'm done!! The candidacy exam is over, and I couldn't be happier. I'm just hoping my weeks of studying kind of pays off. I'm very excited to be done and not have to study for hours on end and be stressed. I'm even taking the next couple weeks off. Tomorrow I head to Uniontown to see Ingrid, and then I go to Pittsburgh on Friday to stay overnight and head to the airport Saturday morning to fly to Atlanta and then to Milwaukee and I'll be home for two weeks. It should be nice, just to be away from State College. I like it here enough, but sometimes I need a break.

Anyway, I don't have much else to say in my entry tonight, which I know is shocking since my entries take up many many paragraphs. My brain is tired, and I'm completely drained. Hopefully I'll get a chance to write something in here while I'm at home. Otherwise I'll write more when I get back!

High Anxiety

The first part of the candidacy exam is tomorrow. And I'm really starting to get worried about it, hence the title of today's entry. I don't know if I'm prepared enough for it, or even if I'm studying the right things to be studying. It's hard to determine that, since the exam can cover anything from the four core classes in the meteorology department, plus things you may have picked up along the way, like synoptic meteorology, turbulence, or radar met even. I think I've pretty much stopped studying for the night, though. I figure that whatever I don't know by now, I'm not going to learn in the few hours I have until I go to bed. Plus, I need some downtime tonight to hopefully relax myself enough so that I'll be able to sleep tonight. I think there's a relatively high probability that my sleep tonight won't be all that great. Call it a hunch.

After all, this is the biggest exam I've ever taken in my life. And I've devoted a lot of my energy of the past two weeks to really crack down and study for it. I just hope all the effort I've put in with studying and being a TA for Meteo 422 actually pays off and I at the very least pass one section of the exam. It doesn't help that my outlook on it varies by the hour (if it's even that long). Sometimes I'll feel like there's no way I can pass this thing. Other times I feel like I have half a chance of passing. I don't think I've ever felt incredibly confident, though, which I guess is a good thing. The times I've felt really confident going to an exam, especially in graduate school, ended up with me doing much much worse than I had thought I did. So, going in feeling scared, nervous, maybe even petrified, is probably a good thing.

I'm just hoping that when I get the exam there is at least one question I feel relatively confident I can do a decent job writing up. Preferably three questions, but I'm not going to be too greedy. I just want one that I know enough about to give me a little confidence boost. That, however, may be too much to ask. (I'm a major pessimist, if you haven't been able to tell.)

No matter what, though, after tomorrow, I have to continue studying for the second section of the exam. Isn't that wonderful?! And that, I think, is going to be the harder part for me, unless a lot of the questions focus on cloud physics. Tomorrow's section, dynamics, I have a slightly better grasp on, mainly because of being a TA for it. And I never, ever thought I'd say that, considering that after my first year here, I had just a fingernail's grasp on dynamics because I had a really crappy teacher for GFD. Because of that, I think my grasp on dynamic meteorology was in serious peril.

Cloud physics, however, made me feel a bit better. I actually could do well in that class. That's because Dr. Harrington could actually teach, and the problem sets were incredible in helping us to learn the material, which is what problem sets should do. I think another part of the reason I did well in that class was that I didn't feel like I couldn't go to the professor for help. He was always incredibly willing to help students understand the material.

So, hopefully there will be enough focus on cloud physics on part two of the exam to make me feel like I can make a reasonable attempt at passing that section as well. We'll see what happens on Wednesday.

One part of a conversation I was having this morning did make me feel a bit better about this exam. Someone has said that no matter what happens with the exam, at this point, I'm the most knowledgeable about meteorology that I'll ever be. It's a good thing to feel, I guess, even though I really don't feel that way. I don't feel very confident in myself, which is not highly unusual. But this is how I usually go into tests. I don't feel confident, even after I've taken the test. I think that way I don't get too disappointed when I get the exam back.

Anyway, this test has been consuming my life lately, and thus it's consuming my blog as well.

I'll say one thing, though. After Wednesday, life is going to be so much better! I'll be just vegging out most of the night, and packing to get ready for a nice long vacation. I'm leaving on Thursday afternoon for Uniontown to visit Ingrid and her family (and possibly see the new Star Wars movie). Then I'll leave there Friday afternoon/evening to head to a hotel near the airport in Pittsburgh because I have an early (really early) morning flight home, where I'm going to stay for two whole weeks. The first of those weeks I'm probably not going to be able to do anything more mentally stimulating than watch TV probably, or maybe read a book, but other than that, I'm not doing much of anything. I'm really looking forward to it, especially after this marathon of studying and prepping for the exam.

With that, I think I'm off for the night. I'll hopefully write something in this Wednesday night after the exam is over. I already have the title of the entry in my head, and it will fit the theme I've developed for the past few entries. But, if it doesn't happen, maybe it will while I'm at home. We'll see. For now, I'm going to relax for a bit and let all the information crammed in my head sink in a bit, and hopefully get a good night's sleep. Here's hoping I do well on the exam!!

An Early Summer Night's Dream

I was going to post something a couple nights ago, but ran out of time, so here it is today. The studying for the candidacy exam continues on. I lead such an exciting life. I'm starting to get tired of the entire process of studying, but I must persist, mainly because I'm too damn stubborn to quit. I almost think I may have started to study too much. On Monday night I woke up in the middle of the night in a middle of a dream involving all sorts of symbols and terminology from what I was studying. As if that isn't scary enough, everything seemed all jumbled to me when I woke up. Hopefully that's just because it was 4 am and it was just my mind's way of processing information. If not, I may just be screwed for the exam.

On Wednesday, I went out to lunch with Dr. Shirer, the professor I was a TA for. It was really nice, just going out and chatting with him. We struck up a nice rapport during the semester as I was grading everything, and I think I must have impressed him with the amount of work I put into the class. Actually, I think a lot of the students were even impressed with the amount of time I spent working with them and on the grading, and even just going to the lecture. Yes, some of my time was spent being somewhat selfish by going to the lectures to help improve my knowledge of dynamics, but a good part of it was so that I would know what was going on in class to be better able to help the students when they came in with questions from the problem set.

Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent there. I went to lunch yesterday at Chili's and had a really nice couple hour chat with Dr. Shirer, thankfully about more things than dynamics. We chatted about Europe (he'd spent some time in Germany on a post-doc, I'd been in France as a senior in high school). Then we chatted politics a little bit, mainly ranting about Bush and his anti-science leaning. Overall, it was a nice time, although I was a little disappointed with the food. I ordered chicken crispers, which I had assumed would be like normal chicken fingers with the typical breading on them. At Chili's they were battered kind of like sweet-and-sour chicken from a Chinese place. This normally wouldn't bother me all that much, but the batter was kind of gooey on the inside, so they weren't exactly the greatest. But still it was a nice time.

Then last night I went to play poker with a large number of the meteo grads. There were 14 in total, which is rather impressive. I managed to improve on my showing from last time. I wasn't the first one knocked out! I was actually playing really well, stealing blinds when I could. The cards were also sort of going my way. I was getting some good cards, but overall, they were hardly playable, but I still played them if I was in a blind. I just happened to get lucky on the flop to pair something. I was also playing a bit conservatively. I did notice that on the first hand I put more than the blinds on, I was really nervous because I actually had a hand. And I ended up winning the pot, which significantly calmed me down. I was also getting a lot of small pairs in my hole cards, which are very hard to play. But I managed to use them to my advantage.

I even made the final table last night (8 people) which means I waited out 6 other people. Unfortunately, I was the first one knocked out of the final table. I think I was losing my touch by the time that happened. The largest stack went all in after the flop, and I had two pair, aces from the flop and nines, one was in my hole cards. I decided to call him since I was the only other one left in the pot. I should have folded, but I went against my better judgment and gambled, and he ended up having a third ace in his hole cards. So, I was basically drawing dead. But it's ok. At least I learned something. I learned that I should always follow my instinct. I also learned that I shouldn't go up against the person with the biggest stack of chips unless I have a really good chance of winning. Oh, well. I improved on what I did before, so I'm happy about that. And I'm happy that the little bit of practice I put into party poker the couple nights before helped a bit. It would have been nice to be in the money, but that can be a goal for the future.

Well, I guess that's enough analysis of my last hand of poker. I've been doing enough analyzing since last night anyway.

Unfortunately, my run of luck in poker didn't extend to progressive rummy, which I played with Paul, Terry, and Andrew last night. For that game, I just couldn't catch cards at all. I got caught without being able to lay down my melds twice. But it's ok. I was getting tired by that point anyway. I didn't get to bed until after 1 am this morning. And then I couldn't sleep past 8:30, which is odd, but it suits me.

One more thing to say. The state of the world these days pretty much scares me. What kind of world is it where a man can go into such a rage that he'd kill his own daughter and her friend because his daughter went outside to play even when she was grounded. Some people just should not have kids, or be committed to an asylum. It's just a scary place.

Well, on that depressing note, I'm going to head off and study a bit more. Hopefully it will go reasonably well. At least I did have the nice study break last night to put the exam out of my head for a few hours. Tomorrow's going to be another study break because Andrew's having a graduation cookout and I'll probably go to his first ceremony tomorrow night. So, that will be nice. Then I'll have a studying marathon from Saturday to Monday. Then the exam comes.

OK, that's enough stalling. Time to get my brain in gear. Maybe I'll write another entry tonight. I doubt it, but it could happen.

Sleepless in State College

It's late Sunday night and I'm not sleepy at the moment, so I decided to post at least a little something on here. Day by day I'm starting to get more and more stressed about the candidacy exam coming up. It's a very hard thing studying for a test that could cover just about anything one learns in graduate and undergraduate meteorology. Right now, I'm just trying to stick to conceptual stuff and not get too bogged down in the details. Still, it's quite difficult. And I think it is a tiny bit (I'm actually under-exaggerating here) unfair that questions on the exam can come from undergraduate classes. It specifically states that only material in the four core courses and possibly synoptics and the intro class for graduates will be tested on the exam. Yet, there are some things on it that I know I will not have seen beyond a cursory review in the core courses. But, there's nothing I can really do about that. All I can do is prepare for it the best I can and hope that something sinks in my brain. Learning by osmosis would be incredibly helpful now, but, unfortunately, I've yet to meet someone that that actually worked for.

It has been striking me as interesting (odd, weird) that a lot of the people in our department have been opting to give up and do something else with their life than continue on for their PhD. Okay, so one of these people had a baby. I can understand how that would completely change things for them. It just seems odd that people would go through the hell that is taking the candidacy exam and decide that they didn't want to pursue it further. I can see how minds would get changed and all, but I would just stick it out and then go out and find a job doing something you really liked. Of course, that's the extremely stubborn streak I have in me, so you have to take that into account. At least Terry had the right idea. He realized that he wasn't interested in pursuing this career path before he took the exam.

So, yes, motivation has been a key issue for me, and part of that is this funk that I just can't seem to pull myself out of. Usually I can stick it deep down inside of me for a little while (long enough to get some sort of productive studying out of me), but usually it comes rising back with a venegeance. I definitely think going home after the exam will help loads. At least, I hope it does. I just don't know what to do about it, though. Therapy seems to be helping somewhat, but with the exam coming up, I haven't really had a whole lot of willingness to really work on the major problems of my life. It's mainly just been trying to keep the tiny bit of sanity I have. And even after I finish the exam and no longer having it loom over me like a big dark cloud, I don't know that I'll be able to do real work on my problems. As of now, I don't have the right place in my life to be able to deal with any issues that come up in therapy outside of therapy. I'm always trying to keep up a front with people. And let me tell you, that's very draining.

See, that's the thing, though. One has to be very very strong to put up the front I have to put up. It takes a LOT of effort. Most people don't realize what has gone on in my life to make me the way I am. A good chunk of my energy every day goes into dealing with that. And there are some days where I just don't feel strong enough to be my own pillar of support all the time. I'd love to have someone to be able to rely on, besides my family. I know I can count on them for support, and they can count on me, but like I said in my last entry, support from hundreds of miles away isn't quite the same. I also don't mean just a friend either. While they are nice, and usually very good at being some support, I'd really like someone a bit closer than that. Someone I can physically and mentally lean on when I need it. I'm sure that will come in time. Yet, for some reason, I think that I need to work through my issues before I can actually have a meaningful relationship. Maybe. I could be wrong, but it does seem like a cruel twist of fate to have that happen.

Anyway, I should probably head to bed soon. Even though I'm still not tired, I need to get some sleep so I can get up in the morning and head to campus to study even more. Thrilling, isn't it?!?!

Hectic April

My God, has it been a long time since I've posted an entry!! The end of April was a very hectic month for me, as it is for just about every college or grad student I know of. It was pure craziness. I honestly don't know what happened to the time. Seriously. Looking back on it, it's all a blur. The only thing I really remember is having to grade this enormous stack of papers, which took me about five days to complete. The problems the students had to do had multiple parts and each subsequent part relied on an answer from at least one previous part. So, being the fair grader that I am, I didn't take off points if the students made an error in a previous part, but used it correctly from then on. That means that as I graded each part, I had to go back and track the source of the error. Talk about a pain in the ass! It would have been so much easier if they all did everything correctly, but alas, that did not happen.

I must say, however, that I really did enjoy the whole TA experience this time around. The class was great, very friendly, and for the most part, incredibly willing to put in some time and effort to learn the material. They must have been in the average on the second mid-term was an 87!! That is just unheard of for any exam, much less in dynamics. So, I feel I had a major part in helping the students do that well. They must have also appreciated it too. A couple of the girls knew how much effort I was putting into this class and brought me a batch of chocolate chip cookies and a six-pack of Pepsi. I thought that was incredibly sweet. It made me feel special, which is a rare thing, indeed.

I do remember one other thing from April. Jay came up to visit for Blue & White weekend, since he was in the blue band. It was nice having a member of the "gang" back for a visit. He, Terry and I went out drinking on that Friday night, which was fun. It was really nice to kick back and relax and get a little tipsy for a bit. (It was especially nice because it was in the middle of the aforementioned grading marathon.) I was especially excited because I was actually around for one of his visits. Usually they occur on holidays (when I try to go home or to a friends) or over coincidental breaks (again, I try to go home for these too). But, that's about all I remember about the last half of April.

Lately, I've been kind of going back to depressive mode. It's weird. I had a nice span of days where I felt good (relatively) about myself and felt like things were going to turn out ok. Now, I just have this sense of doom and gloom. Perhaps it's because of the candidacy exam coming up, and this is how I start to stress out about things. I've never had an exam this big before, so I don't really know the proper way to react. Yet, I'm really not sure if that's the only thing that's leading to this latest battle with depression.

I guess part of it is being lonely. Not in the sense of that there's never anyone around, but more in the sense of I don't have someone to love or that loves me. I know that's not true. There are several people out there that do love me, like my mom and sister. However, while their love is great, sometimes it's hard to feel from 750 miles away. I guess I'm just ready to find the one guy that will, and I hate to go all Jerry Maguire on you, "complete me." I have this picture in my head of having someone to sit with on the porch in summer sipping lemonade (probably with some vodka in it) just chatting and being close to one another. Or in winter sitting and cuddling near a fireplace (to satisfy my slightly pyromaniac urges) drinking wine or munching on popcorn or some other snack. Call me a hopeless romantic, but there you go.

However, I'm not sure I'm going to find this guy in State College. At least not in the ways I've been trying. But, I still want to stick around even if I don't pass the candidacy exam. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I have this sense that I might find the guy for me if I stick around longer. Who knows? I suppose it could happen.

Well, anyway, I should probably be off for now. I don't think I have much more to say at the moment. Plus, Gilmore Girls is on, and it's distracting me from continuing. Hopefully it won't be as long between entries as it was this time. We'll see how busy I get.

Plans

Well, I'm finally pretty much healthy now. Antibiotics are a wonderful thing. It's really great to wake up in the morning and feel like a "normal" human being instead of a walking zombie.

So, now that I'm feeling better, I can finally get started on gearing up for the candidacy exam. I've even started studying, not quite as hard as I'd like to have been by this point, but relatively hard considering I still have just over a month to take it. At this moment, I think that no matter what happens with the exam, I'll be sticking around State College for another semester. Hopefully I'll be able to pass at least one section of the exam, though. That would be great. I'd be extremely ecstatic if I passed both parts, but I'm trying to keep my expectations low. But I'll still be a Pennsylvanian for another eight months, although not in the same place I'm living now. I've come to the realization that living with people just doesn't seem to work well for me. It's mainly my insecurities and trust issues, which I'm completely fine with taking the blame for. It's totally not my roommates' fault that I just can't live with people. It's been this way ever since I was an undergrad.

Anyway, I'm already making plans for after the candidacy exam. I'm anticipating that I'll be so incredibly brain dead that I'll need a couple weeks to recover. So, I'm planning on going home for a bit. Most likely I'll be flying because I want to, really. It'll make my life easier once the time comes. However, actually making these plans is turning out to be a real pain in the ass. First of all, I have to consider ticket price, which has gone down since I looked this weekend. Then I have to consider driving to either Pittsburgh or Philadelphia to fly home to Wisconsin. PHL is cheaper by about $15-20 and has a direct flight to MKE. However, parking there long-term is $9 a day. I also need to consider tolls, gas money, and a hotel stay. PIT, on the other hand, has more expensive flights, most with layovers (the cheapest flight has a layover in Atlanta which makes no sense to me, since I'm flying to Milwaukee - nowhere near south of Pittsburgh). But long-term parking is only $6.50 a day. That will save quite a bit of money in the long run, since I plan on flying back two weeks after I fly out of here. And there are not tolls to drive to Pittsburgh. So, there are lots of things to consider, which I will probably do this weekend, unless I have a chance to think about them during the week. That's not likely with me studying and having to grade some quizzes. But, it could happen.

Well, I should really be off to bed. Tomorrow is another ungodly early day for me. Going to the 422 lectures is really helping me prepare for the dynamics section of the candidacy exam, but getting up before the crack of dawn is no fun, whatsoever. But at least I can escape a little early tomorrow, since I have therapy in the afternoon and I usually leave straight from there. So, with that I say good night!

Pocket Pairs

Well on Wednesday I went to play poker with some other members of the meteo department. I did have a little fun, even though I was a little pissed that I was the first one out of the little tournament. Pocket pairs apparently weren't my friends that night. I had a pair of kings in my hole cards, and then another king came up on the board. I can't remember if it was on the flop or the turn. Either way, I went all in at that point, even though there was a possible straight on the board. The odds of someone having the queen to complete the straight were pretty slim. Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened. I guess after reanalyzing the hand, I could have bet a bit stronger before the flop. But I played it the best I could, and couldn't help that someone beat me.

After a while a losers table started up, and at least there I wasn't the first one out. I was the second. At this table, though, I actually won a couple pots, instead of losing every one I was a part of. But my last one, I had a pair of tens in the hole. Unfortunately, the person next to me had a pair of queens. The loss wouldn't have been so bad, if the dealer hadn't looked at what the last burn card was and showed me that it was a ten. If only I wouldn't have known that. But what can you do? I played it the only way I could.

It was still fun. Long night, though. I stayed to watch the last people play out the rest of the game to see who won. Let me tell you, if there were TV cameras there, there wouldn't have been much to show. Lots of checking going on. It was kind of boring, but once the last hand got played, it was interesting.

Other than that, not much is new with me. Long days, and I haven't been able to sleep lately at night. I even took a nap this afternoon because I was so tired. I think after this weekend, I should hopefully be over my illness finally. Or at least very close to being over it. We'll see.

Well, I'm off for now. It's nice to just chill out for the night. Who knows, maybe I'll do something exciting this weekend. Probably not, but it could happen. Night all!

A moment of weakness

Apparently my entry yesterday created quite a stir. I certainly didn't mean for it to, nor did I expect anyone to even read it. To those who did and took offense to it, I'm sorry. What you need to understand about me is that I have incredibly low self-esteem, and perceive any little thing that could be considered a "dig" at me to be a major one. And yes, what I put in my blog yesterday wasn't put the best way it could have been, but I had a moment of weakness and didn't censor myself like I almost always do. And let's face it. There isn't one person alive that hasn't stuck one's foot in one's mouth at one point or another and said something that could hurt someone else. It's just a fact of life, because we're human and we can't censor ourselves during every waking moment. It just doesn't work that way.

With that being said, I think it's an extremely good thing that I'm moving out at some point during the summer. I don't know why I was so silly and thought that I could live with people again, after having spent four years living in either single dorm rooms or single apartments. Part of me wanted this to work out, because I was getting tired of being by myself. However, after that long a time period, it's no wonder that I sort of got stuck in my ways, or something to that effect. I got used to being alone, and didn't really know how to interact with people on a constant basis. I've definitely learned a valuable lesson here. Moving in with friends doesn't seem to be a good idea because it puts an added strain on the relationship.

I also realize that I'm partially to blame for my situation. I could have spent more time chatting with my roommates. Yet I really don't think that would have changed anything in the long run. Maybe it would have. Who knows? I can't go back and change the past. (Although with some of the things in my life, I would REALLY like to.) Things could have been changed on everyone's part, really, but there's no going back to where things went wrong.

So, what have I learned from all of this? My lack of self-confidence is partially to blame for my feelings of being ignored. Not completely, mind you, but partially. I accept blame when it's rightfully deserved. I could go and chat with my roommates more often. I don't know if I would feel any less ignored that way. It's possible, but things would have to change on everyone's part. I've also learned that this blog can be quite useful in bringing things out that needed to come out, whether I thought they would come out or not. And also, that therapy can make you see things in a new light.

Anyway, today is a nice day. Unfortunately, I had to get to campus early, so I had to dress for what the weather was this morning, and not what it was going to be, so walking around this afternoon was a bit unpleasant with jeans on. It is nice to be able to walk around without a jacket and not be chilly. Seeing the sun is also a wonderful thing, especially in this town.

Well, I guess that is enough rambling. I should get some stuff done this afternoon, so I can have an enjoyable evening. I haven't quite decided whether or not I'm going to go play poker tonight with some people in the meteo department. I'm leaning towards doing it, but it all depends on how I feel later on today. So I'm off to do something more productive than this. At least, hopefully I am.

Long pauses

Well, it's been another long time since my last entry. That's mainly because I've been sick for the past almost three weeks now. It's a really frustrating thing to be sick for so long. I went to the doctor for the second time yesterday, and they determined that whatever I had before was sort of a precursor to what I have now. Basically, it's developed into bronchitis. How thrilling! I'm not all that surprised though. It definitely felt like bronchitis.

So, lately, I've been in kind of a funk, but being sickly for 18 days (I think that's how long it has been) will tend to do that to a person. Trust me, it's not fun. I've pretty much been, for all intents and purposes, been pissed off at the world in general since I've been sick. I must say I try to hide it as well as I can when I'm around people. But lately it's been hard. I just get upset over very little things. For example, late last week I had to play a round for the racquetball tournament going on in the meteorology department. For being so sick, I was playing extremely well. Either that, or the guy I was playing wasn't that great to begin with. Anyway, I decided, since I wasn't feeling that great, that we would only play best two out of three. Unfortunately, it only lasted two games; I lost both by a score of 15-12. For some reason I was incredibly upset by that. I was on the verge of a breakdown immediately after the game and until I got home. I think it was partly because my emotions were out of whack anyway after being sick for two weeks, and partly because the games were so close and I really (REALLY) wanted to win them. If I were just feeling a tiny bit better, I probably could have won, but I didn't have the energy to keep going. But, what can I do? I did the best that I could, and that in itself was amazing considering how crappy I was feeling.

I'm still not feeling all that great today. I'm just a little impatient because I've been sick for so long. I guess I feel that the Zithromax I got should start working right away. I know, that's not how it works, but still, I want to feel like a healthy, semi-normal human being. (Being normal is simply out of the question.)

Another thing that's upset me is that I couldn't go on a trip I was supposed to go on this week. Yesterday and today I was supposed to be at NASA-Goddard (I think that's what it's called anyway) for a team meeting for the project I'm working on. I spent a good chunk of Sunday preparing stuff so my advisor could present something to show I have been working on the stuff, but I would have liked to have been able to go and present it myself. However, it's probably best that I didn't go. My body needed a couple days of not doing anything too strenuous, and that's what yesterday and today have been spent doing.

There was a little bright spot that occurred yesterday. One of my roommates actually took a couple minutes to come chat with me and see how I was doing. It made me feel special, especially considering that the other roommate doesn't even bother pretending to notice me unless I'm downstairs at the same time that he is. Most of the time I feel pretty much ignored by both my roommates unless I'm right in front of their faces, but at least Terry sometimes tries to make an effort to talk to me and see how I'm doing and have a little conversation. So, I was a little happy yesterday. It always feels good to have someone validate your existence.

Anyway, I've gone on rambling for long enough. I should probably eat some lunch soon, and take a pill to get rid of my illness finally. Hopefully it won't be as long between entries as it has been recently.

Random Rants

Well, today I'm still sick, and that may explain why I've been in a more bitchy mood than normal. The first thing today that got me started was the whole Terry Schiavo drama that's going on. The thing that really gets me about the whole thing is that Congress and President Bush had to stick their noses into this business. What right do they have to determine if her feeding tube should be reinserted or not? This is such a personal decision, and to have it politicized like this is just wrong. It should be the decision of the family. First and foremost, her husband. He is the one that knows her best and knows that she wouldn't want to live like this.

Sure, she didn't have a living will, and that's why her family is so set against her feeding tube being removed. But, she's been in what they call a "persistent vegetative state" for 15 years. Do they really think that something is going to change in the near future? I can't see their reasoning. I mean, it's true she's not suffering, but it's still not much of a life.

And the fact that the president decided to try to get the decision of several courts reversed is beyond me. I thought he would have enough to think about with the war in Iraq, and other national and international concerns. But, hey, who am I to judge?

I have another random rant. (I told you I was quite bitchy lately.) I'm getting really sick of the gay.com community. At least the one in State College. Most of the people I talk to are so focused on looks. I know I'm not much to look at really, but at least I have a personality, unlike many of the people I've talked to on there. These people have to realize that if they're looking for something more long-term, personality is what counts. Looks will fade, but a personality will last the rest of your life. I realize I'm generalizing a bit. There are a couple of people I've talked with on there that have become friends, even after seeing what I look like, but those have been few and far between. I'm just sick of people judging me solely based on what I look like.

It doesn't help that I'm depressed, too. So, it tends to hurt me more than it probably would other people. The least I ask from people is a little common courtesy. And that's not just from people on gay.com, but people in general.

Well, I guess I'm done ranting for the day. I'm actually really exhausted, so I think I'm taking the night off from doing any sort of work. So, tonight is relax night for me. Hopefully I'll feel better both physically and emotionally tomorrow.

First entry in quite a while

It's been such a long time since I've posted something on here. I guess I've been really busy. Well, not completely. A couple weeks ago was spring break. That was nice. For the first weekend of it, I went to Uniontown to visit my friend Ingrid. We went to the Pittsburgh zoo. It was a nice zoo, but by no means the best zoo I've ever seen. I will say I was impressed by the aquarium there. It's the first zoo I've been to that had an aquarium. But as for the other animal exhibits, I've definitely seen better. The Milwaukee zoo has many more. Even the Green Bay (technically Suamico) N.E.W. zoo is better, in my opinion. But it was nice to go somewhere new. After that, we were quite hungry. We were going to go the Cheesecake Factory, but they had a 15-30 minute wait. I've heard that's not bad for one of those places, but we were too hungry to wait that long. So, we went to the Irish pub across the street from it. They had good food there. We ended up having cheesecake for dessert. They made it with Bailey's Irish Cream. It was pretty strong. I was getting a little buzz from it.

After that, I drove home to Wisconsin. It was nice to be home. I've really been missing it lately. I think it's partly because it's relaxing at home. I don't get much down time while I'm here. I'm always busy grading papers, working on problem sets for the class I'm grading for, working on research, or something else related to school. So my down time is limited at best. It was nice to not have anything to worry about for an entire week. During that week, I finished reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Great book! It sets a high standard for the Half Blood Prince. I think every book in the series gets better and better. They also get longer and longer, which means that by the end of the series, the book will be over 1000 pages long.

On the way back from home, I stopped overnight in Cleveland. I always like being able to take my time on the drive back. I was a little pissed off, though. I went to bed at around 2am (because I had to finish Harry Potter) and some idiot that had the hotel room before I did set the alarm for 3:30am. I was NOT pleased. So, I didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked. But then I made the rest of the drive back to my apartment and unpacked.

Last week was the first week back after spring break. And I had to hit the ground running. I had lots of papers to grade yet, a presentation to give on Friday, and other things I needed to get done. Add on top of that fighting off an illness, and it seemed like I was drowning in stuff I needed to get done. Needless to say, with all that stress, the illness had an advantage over me.

So, now I'm sick. It's not my typical sick, though. I just have this sort of dizzy feeling. And I'm run down, but that's not an incredibly new feeling to me. I always feel run down. I never feel like I can get enough sleep, even when I do. It always seems like I'm running on empty. The dizziness is something new though. That's the only reason I know I'm sick. Hopefully it will get better soon. Of course, it would definitely get better if I would just slow down, but that's not going to happen. I don't have the time the just rest.

Well, I guess I don't have too much more to say. I should really go to bed relatively soon. I need to get the rest while I can get it. And maybe tomorrow I'll be in a better mood, both physically and mentally.

It's March

It's been a very long day for me. I started off by waking up a bit earlier than I would have liked because I wasn't sure how bad the roads were going to be here or how long it would take to clean off my car. And of course, Penn State doesn't cancel or have a two-hour delay, while every school within a 100-mile radius (OK, I may be exaggerating a little here) was either closed or delayed. It's not like I'm not used to it, though. My high school and the neighboring town's high school were notorious for never closing. It took a lot to actually shut the school down. And then there was Roncalli, which would close if they saw that there was going to be a chance of flurries. Again, I exaggerate, but not by a whole lot.

Then today I was kept busy with reading a paper that I have to present on Thursday, studying for the candidacy exam, and having students come in to office hours. Then there was lab, in which a surprising number of people stuck around for, considering we were done with official business by about 4:10. A good number actually stayed the entire time, until 5:30. After that I went to get my car from the BJC to move it to Walker's parking lot, went to grab some food, and then went to the last home men's gymnastics meet of the season. It was actually a very exciting meet, because it was international. We hosted the men's team from Japan. Quite impressive, I must say. And I got a free t-shirt. After going to all the gymnastics meets and numerous women's basketball games, I finally came away with a free shirt!

Well, spring break is in a few days for me. I'm really looking forward to getting the hell out of State College for a while. It's a nice town, but it can be a bit stifling. The first part of spring break I'm going to visit Ingrid in Uniontown. We'll probably go to Pittsburgh on Saturday and either go to the zoo or to a museum. Then on Sunday I'm traveling back to good ol' Wisconsin. Not your typical spring break destination, but there you go. I want to go visit my family again before summer. I'll be spending about a week back home, which will be incredibly nice. I also look forward to relaxing a good bit. I seem to be running dangerously low on energy lately. It's hard work to keep going because I always have stuff to do. And then there's the very good chance that I will catch whatever bug is going around the meteo department lately. I'm very tempted to go buy a can of Lysol and fumigate my apartment, since both my roomies have been sick relatively recently. As long as I am healthy enough to drive home and get back here I don't really care if I get sick. Hopefully, my body will listen to me. I don't want to have to spend spring break like I did last year, feeling horribly sick the entire week I had off.

I was just thinking recently about a previous entry I had made. It concerned seeing a robin near the end of January or the beginning of February. I think it must have been extremely confused. Either that, or spring may just have been making a cameo appearance, or winter was taking a brief holiday. Who knows?

Well, on that note, I think I'm off to bed. Tomorrow's an ungodly early day. And I'm exhausted.