Well, I'm finally pretty much healthy now. Antibiotics are a wonderful thing. It's really great to wake up in the morning and feel like a "normal" human being instead of a walking zombie.
So, now that I'm feeling better, I can finally get started on gearing up for the candidacy exam. I've even started studying, not quite as hard as I'd like to have been by this point, but relatively hard considering I still have just over a month to take it. At this moment, I think that no matter what happens with the exam, I'll be sticking around State College for another semester. Hopefully I'll be able to pass at least one section of the exam, though. That would be great. I'd be extremely ecstatic if I passed both parts, but I'm trying to keep my expectations low. But I'll still be a Pennsylvanian for another eight months, although not in the same place I'm living now. I've come to the realization that living with people just doesn't seem to work well for me. It's mainly my insecurities and trust issues, which I'm completely fine with taking the blame for. It's totally not my roommates' fault that I just can't live with people. It's been this way ever since I was an undergrad.
Anyway, I'm already making plans for after the candidacy exam. I'm anticipating that I'll be so incredibly brain dead that I'll need a couple weeks to recover. So, I'm planning on going home for a bit. Most likely I'll be flying because I want to, really. It'll make my life easier once the time comes. However, actually making these plans is turning out to be a real pain in the ass. First of all, I have to consider ticket price, which has gone down since I looked this weekend. Then I have to consider driving to either Pittsburgh or Philadelphia to fly home to Wisconsin. PHL is cheaper by about $15-20 and has a direct flight to MKE. However, parking there long-term is $9 a day. I also need to consider tolls, gas money, and a hotel stay. PIT, on the other hand, has more expensive flights, most with layovers (the cheapest flight has a layover in Atlanta which makes no sense to me, since I'm flying to Milwaukee - nowhere near south of Pittsburgh). But long-term parking is only $6.50 a day. That will save quite a bit of money in the long run, since I plan on flying back two weeks after I fly out of here. And there are not tolls to drive to Pittsburgh. So, there are lots of things to consider, which I will probably do this weekend, unless I have a chance to think about them during the week. That's not likely with me studying and having to grade some quizzes. But, it could happen.
Well, I should really be off to bed. Tomorrow is another ungodly early day for me. Going to the 422 lectures is really helping me prepare for the dynamics section of the candidacy exam, but getting up before the crack of dawn is no fun, whatsoever. But at least I can escape a little early tomorrow, since I have therapy in the afternoon and I usually leave straight from there. So, with that I say good night!
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Friday, April 08, 2005
Pocket Pairs
Well on Wednesday I went to play poker with some other members of the meteo department. I did have a little fun, even though I was a little pissed that I was the first one out of the little tournament. Pocket pairs apparently weren't my friends that night. I had a pair of kings in my hole cards, and then another king came up on the board. I can't remember if it was on the flop or the turn. Either way, I went all in at that point, even though there was a possible straight on the board. The odds of someone having the queen to complete the straight were pretty slim. Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened. I guess after reanalyzing the hand, I could have bet a bit stronger before the flop. But I played it the best I could, and couldn't help that someone beat me.
After a while a losers table started up, and at least there I wasn't the first one out. I was the second. At this table, though, I actually won a couple pots, instead of losing every one I was a part of. But my last one, I had a pair of tens in the hole. Unfortunately, the person next to me had a pair of queens. The loss wouldn't have been so bad, if the dealer hadn't looked at what the last burn card was and showed me that it was a ten. If only I wouldn't have known that. But what can you do? I played it the only way I could.
It was still fun. Long night, though. I stayed to watch the last people play out the rest of the game to see who won. Let me tell you, if there were TV cameras there, there wouldn't have been much to show. Lots of checking going on. It was kind of boring, but once the last hand got played, it was interesting.
Other than that, not much is new with me. Long days, and I haven't been able to sleep lately at night. I even took a nap this afternoon because I was so tired. I think after this weekend, I should hopefully be over my illness finally. Or at least very close to being over it. We'll see.
Well, I'm off for now. It's nice to just chill out for the night. Who knows, maybe I'll do something exciting this weekend. Probably not, but it could happen. Night all!
After a while a losers table started up, and at least there I wasn't the first one out. I was the second. At this table, though, I actually won a couple pots, instead of losing every one I was a part of. But my last one, I had a pair of tens in the hole. Unfortunately, the person next to me had a pair of queens. The loss wouldn't have been so bad, if the dealer hadn't looked at what the last burn card was and showed me that it was a ten. If only I wouldn't have known that. But what can you do? I played it the only way I could.
It was still fun. Long night, though. I stayed to watch the last people play out the rest of the game to see who won. Let me tell you, if there were TV cameras there, there wouldn't have been much to show. Lots of checking going on. It was kind of boring, but once the last hand got played, it was interesting.
Other than that, not much is new with me. Long days, and I haven't been able to sleep lately at night. I even took a nap this afternoon because I was so tired. I think after this weekend, I should hopefully be over my illness finally. Or at least very close to being over it. We'll see.
Well, I'm off for now. It's nice to just chill out for the night. Who knows, maybe I'll do something exciting this weekend. Probably not, but it could happen. Night all!
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
A moment of weakness
Apparently my entry yesterday created quite a stir. I certainly didn't mean for it to, nor did I expect anyone to even read it. To those who did and took offense to it, I'm sorry. What you need to understand about me is that I have incredibly low self-esteem, and perceive any little thing that could be considered a "dig" at me to be a major one. And yes, what I put in my blog yesterday wasn't put the best way it could have been, but I had a moment of weakness and didn't censor myself like I almost always do. And let's face it. There isn't one person alive that hasn't stuck one's foot in one's mouth at one point or another and said something that could hurt someone else. It's just a fact of life, because we're human and we can't censor ourselves during every waking moment. It just doesn't work that way.
With that being said, I think it's an extremely good thing that I'm moving out at some point during the summer. I don't know why I was so silly and thought that I could live with people again, after having spent four years living in either single dorm rooms or single apartments. Part of me wanted this to work out, because I was getting tired of being by myself. However, after that long a time period, it's no wonder that I sort of got stuck in my ways, or something to that effect. I got used to being alone, and didn't really know how to interact with people on a constant basis. I've definitely learned a valuable lesson here. Moving in with friends doesn't seem to be a good idea because it puts an added strain on the relationship.
I also realize that I'm partially to blame for my situation. I could have spent more time chatting with my roommates. Yet I really don't think that would have changed anything in the long run. Maybe it would have. Who knows? I can't go back and change the past. (Although with some of the things in my life, I would REALLY like to.) Things could have been changed on everyone's part, really, but there's no going back to where things went wrong.
So, what have I learned from all of this? My lack of self-confidence is partially to blame for my feelings of being ignored. Not completely, mind you, but partially. I accept blame when it's rightfully deserved. I could go and chat with my roommates more often. I don't know if I would feel any less ignored that way. It's possible, but things would have to change on everyone's part. I've also learned that this blog can be quite useful in bringing things out that needed to come out, whether I thought they would come out or not. And also, that therapy can make you see things in a new light.
Anyway, today is a nice day. Unfortunately, I had to get to campus early, so I had to dress for what the weather was this morning, and not what it was going to be, so walking around this afternoon was a bit unpleasant with jeans on. It is nice to be able to walk around without a jacket and not be chilly. Seeing the sun is also a wonderful thing, especially in this town.
Well, I guess that is enough rambling. I should get some stuff done this afternoon, so I can have an enjoyable evening. I haven't quite decided whether or not I'm going to go play poker tonight with some people in the meteo department. I'm leaning towards doing it, but it all depends on how I feel later on today. So I'm off to do something more productive than this. At least, hopefully I am.
With that being said, I think it's an extremely good thing that I'm moving out at some point during the summer. I don't know why I was so silly and thought that I could live with people again, after having spent four years living in either single dorm rooms or single apartments. Part of me wanted this to work out, because I was getting tired of being by myself. However, after that long a time period, it's no wonder that I sort of got stuck in my ways, or something to that effect. I got used to being alone, and didn't really know how to interact with people on a constant basis. I've definitely learned a valuable lesson here. Moving in with friends doesn't seem to be a good idea because it puts an added strain on the relationship.
I also realize that I'm partially to blame for my situation. I could have spent more time chatting with my roommates. Yet I really don't think that would have changed anything in the long run. Maybe it would have. Who knows? I can't go back and change the past. (Although with some of the things in my life, I would REALLY like to.) Things could have been changed on everyone's part, really, but there's no going back to where things went wrong.
So, what have I learned from all of this? My lack of self-confidence is partially to blame for my feelings of being ignored. Not completely, mind you, but partially. I accept blame when it's rightfully deserved. I could go and chat with my roommates more often. I don't know if I would feel any less ignored that way. It's possible, but things would have to change on everyone's part. I've also learned that this blog can be quite useful in bringing things out that needed to come out, whether I thought they would come out or not. And also, that therapy can make you see things in a new light.
Anyway, today is a nice day. Unfortunately, I had to get to campus early, so I had to dress for what the weather was this morning, and not what it was going to be, so walking around this afternoon was a bit unpleasant with jeans on. It is nice to be able to walk around without a jacket and not be chilly. Seeing the sun is also a wonderful thing, especially in this town.
Well, I guess that is enough rambling. I should get some stuff done this afternoon, so I can have an enjoyable evening. I haven't quite decided whether or not I'm going to go play poker tonight with some people in the meteo department. I'm leaning towards doing it, but it all depends on how I feel later on today. So I'm off to do something more productive than this. At least, hopefully I am.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
Long pauses
Well, it's been another long time since my last entry. That's mainly because I've been sick for the past almost three weeks now. It's a really frustrating thing to be sick for so long. I went to the doctor for the second time yesterday, and they determined that whatever I had before was sort of a precursor to what I have now. Basically, it's developed into bronchitis. How thrilling! I'm not all that surprised though. It definitely felt like bronchitis.
So, lately, I've been in kind of a funk, but being sickly for 18 days (I think that's how long it has been) will tend to do that to a person. Trust me, it's not fun. I've pretty much been, for all intents and purposes, been pissed off at the world in general since I've been sick. I must say I try to hide it as well as I can when I'm around people. But lately it's been hard. I just get upset over very little things. For example, late last week I had to play a round for the racquetball tournament going on in the meteorology department. For being so sick, I was playing extremely well. Either that, or the guy I was playing wasn't that great to begin with. Anyway, I decided, since I wasn't feeling that great, that we would only play best two out of three. Unfortunately, it only lasted two games; I lost both by a score of 15-12. For some reason I was incredibly upset by that. I was on the verge of a breakdown immediately after the game and until I got home. I think it was partly because my emotions were out of whack anyway after being sick for two weeks, and partly because the games were so close and I really (REALLY) wanted to win them. If I were just feeling a tiny bit better, I probably could have won, but I didn't have the energy to keep going. But, what can I do? I did the best that I could, and that in itself was amazing considering how crappy I was feeling.
I'm still not feeling all that great today. I'm just a little impatient because I've been sick for so long. I guess I feel that the Zithromax I got should start working right away. I know, that's not how it works, but still, I want to feel like a healthy, semi-normal human being. (Being normal is simply out of the question.)
Another thing that's upset me is that I couldn't go on a trip I was supposed to go on this week. Yesterday and today I was supposed to be at NASA-Goddard (I think that's what it's called anyway) for a team meeting for the project I'm working on. I spent a good chunk of Sunday preparing stuff so my advisor could present something to show I have been working on the stuff, but I would have liked to have been able to go and present it myself. However, it's probably best that I didn't go. My body needed a couple days of not doing anything too strenuous, and that's what yesterday and today have been spent doing.
There was a little bright spot that occurred yesterday. One of my roommates actually took a couple minutes to come chat with me and see how I was doing. It made me feel special, especially considering that the other roommate doesn't even bother pretending to notice me unless I'm downstairs at the same time that he is. Most of the time I feel pretty much ignored by both my roommates unless I'm right in front of their faces, but at least Terry sometimes tries to make an effort to talk to me and see how I'm doing and have a little conversation. So, I was a little happy yesterday. It always feels good to have someone validate your existence.
Anyway, I've gone on rambling for long enough. I should probably eat some lunch soon, and take a pill to get rid of my illness finally. Hopefully it won't be as long between entries as it has been recently.
So, lately, I've been in kind of a funk, but being sickly for 18 days (I think that's how long it has been) will tend to do that to a person. Trust me, it's not fun. I've pretty much been, for all intents and purposes, been pissed off at the world in general since I've been sick. I must say I try to hide it as well as I can when I'm around people. But lately it's been hard. I just get upset over very little things. For example, late last week I had to play a round for the racquetball tournament going on in the meteorology department. For being so sick, I was playing extremely well. Either that, or the guy I was playing wasn't that great to begin with. Anyway, I decided, since I wasn't feeling that great, that we would only play best two out of three. Unfortunately, it only lasted two games; I lost both by a score of 15-12. For some reason I was incredibly upset by that. I was on the verge of a breakdown immediately after the game and until I got home. I think it was partly because my emotions were out of whack anyway after being sick for two weeks, and partly because the games were so close and I really (REALLY) wanted to win them. If I were just feeling a tiny bit better, I probably could have won, but I didn't have the energy to keep going. But, what can I do? I did the best that I could, and that in itself was amazing considering how crappy I was feeling.
I'm still not feeling all that great today. I'm just a little impatient because I've been sick for so long. I guess I feel that the Zithromax I got should start working right away. I know, that's not how it works, but still, I want to feel like a healthy, semi-normal human being. (Being normal is simply out of the question.)
Another thing that's upset me is that I couldn't go on a trip I was supposed to go on this week. Yesterday and today I was supposed to be at NASA-Goddard (I think that's what it's called anyway) for a team meeting for the project I'm working on. I spent a good chunk of Sunday preparing stuff so my advisor could present something to show I have been working on the stuff, but I would have liked to have been able to go and present it myself. However, it's probably best that I didn't go. My body needed a couple days of not doing anything too strenuous, and that's what yesterday and today have been spent doing.
There was a little bright spot that occurred yesterday. One of my roommates actually took a couple minutes to come chat with me and see how I was doing. It made me feel special, especially considering that the other roommate doesn't even bother pretending to notice me unless I'm downstairs at the same time that he is. Most of the time I feel pretty much ignored by both my roommates unless I'm right in front of their faces, but at least Terry sometimes tries to make an effort to talk to me and see how I'm doing and have a little conversation. So, I was a little happy yesterday. It always feels good to have someone validate your existence.
Anyway, I've gone on rambling for long enough. I should probably eat some lunch soon, and take a pill to get rid of my illness finally. Hopefully it won't be as long between entries as it has been recently.
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