TGIF

Well, tonight I had a good night. I went to see Closer with Andrew this evening. They were showing it for free at the HUB. It was a pretty good movie. All about relationships and how they go wrong. There were some pretty powerful performances by Clive Owen and Natalie Portman, too. I'm not surprised that they got nominated for some Oscars.

Then after that, we went down to get some cheap pizza in the HUB, and then were kind of sidetracked by a magic show. Pretty cool stuff.

All in all, it was a very nice night. Especially nice was having pleasant conversation with Andrew. I always enjoy having conversations with people. They don't have to be really personal conversations, just about general stuff that comes to mind.

And now I'm slipping back into a depressed state. Or maybe it's just exhaustion. I'm not sure which. They both are kind of similar. Of course, it's good that I'm tired now. I have to get up kind of early tomorrow to go get an oil change, and do other odds and ends. Then Sunday will probably be work day for me. But we'll see how it goes. For now, I'm off to bed.

I can't think of a title today....

Today started off being not the greatest but is starting to look up. Getting up this morning was no small feat for me. I couldn't get to sleep last night, until at least midnight. Then 6am come really quickly after that. So, I wasn't really in a pleasant mood this morning. But I went to class, and was fairly productive while I was in the office, which is always a good feeling.

Then I went to therapy, which went pretty well. It was actually nice today to leave therapy without feeling like drowning myself in ice cream. I'm slowly starting to work some stuff out in regards to my personal life and everything else going on my life. I'm glad I finally got myself to go to therapy. It's definitely helpful, especially in realizing what I need to do to keep myself from going completely psychotic.

After therapy, I headed to Irving's to meet a guy I had chatted with online recently. He's a very nice fellow: a grad student in geology. Quite nice, a little softspoken, but very friendly. We only got to chat for a half hour, though, which was kind of sad, because the time just flew by while we chatted. I think at the very least, I've made a new friend, which is something I could use a lot more of. It's good to get together with new people and discover common interests. What's also nice about him is that he's Irish. I don't know what it is about Irish and British accents, but they're so pleasant on the ears. I'm very glad I struck up a conversation with him online, especially since he seems rather normal, unlike a good percentage of the crowd that's online.

So, today is definitely looking up. An added bonus is that Wednesdays are my days to cut out of the office early. I still have some work to do here, though, but not as much as I had originally thought I would have to do.

Later tonight I may go back to campus for a bit. There is a talk being presented on the recent tsunami that sounds interesting. It can't hurt to go and listen in, just for the extra added knowledge. Plus I've always been interested in earthquakes, so it should hopefully be worth my while. I'm always a little leery, though, sometimes titles of talks sound interesting, but end up being incredibly boring.

Well, with that, I'm off to finish up a little work, then maybe eat something, and see what goes on for the rest of the night.

Another Monday

Well, you'd think I'd have enough time on the weekends to actually post something, but apparently I don't. This weekend actually did get busy very quickly. First of all, my advisor decided to remind me about a summer research program where I could get some extra funds for summer on Friday. That's all well and good, but not incredibly helpful when the application was due today. So, that took up a good chunk of my weekend.

I also was at the BJC both days this weekend for different events. There was a dual mens/womens gymnastics meet on Saturday there, because Rec Hall was taken up by the Thon dancers. That was a good time, and not only because there was some nice eye candy out performing. I've always enjoyed watching gymnastics, probably because I wanted to be a gymnast when I was growing up. Unfortunately in small town Wisconsin, gymnastics wasn't really an option, especially for a young boy. Heaven forbid a boy wanted to do something that wasn't all that masculine, like football or baseball. Anyway, both teams won the meet, and some members of both teams gave some really spectacular performances.

Then on Sunday was the last home Lady Lions basketball game. That was also a very good game. The women looked very good, as they usually do at home. If they could only look that good on the road.... And of course, when the student section doesn't have Jen Harris to root for, she has a stellar day, scoring loads of points. But it was definitely a great game. Great crowd, too. And someone on Northwestern's team got fouled out. I always enjoy it when someone on the other team fouls out.

Today was a long day, as usual for Mondays. I'm telling you, this getting up early stuff is for the birds. Plus I was busy trying to get my application for this grant ready, and reading the articles I needed to for class. And with the snow and the ice last night, cleaning off my car was loads of fun. The brush part didn't do a damn thing, so I ended up using the scraper to make a hole and then pushing off the snow with my arms. It must have been quite the sight.

Surprisingly today, I'm not feeling as down as I usually do. I'm not sure why that is, but I'll take it. I am, however, extremely tired, so I'm off to bed. At least I don't have to get up as early tomorrow morning.

Another long day

Well, today was quite the day. I was on campus from about 9am to 9pm. Granted, the last three hours or so were spent at the women's basketball game. Other than that, I was busy for the most part, when I could focus. Lately I've just had a lot of trouble staying focused on anything I have to do. Maybe it's because I haven't been getting enough sleep. Well, actually I get enough sleep, but it really hasn't been restful. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed.

Of course, a big part of it is that I haven't been in the best frame of mind, as has been evidenced by my previous few entries. This month is just bad in terms of things I don't really want to remember or be a part of. There really isn't anything I can do about that, though, except live through it. And that's what is hard.

Because I've been in this bad frame of mind lately, I've been either incredibly sad, or incredibly pissy. Sometimes it's both at the same time, which I realize is an odd combination. Most of the time it's really for no apparent reason, just a general sadness. I'm really getting sick of this feeling, and that's why I'm going to therapy. I just wish I could get through the pain quicker. I know that's very unrealistic, but it would still be nice.

Oh, well. What can I do? I try to take it one day at a time, which is such a cliche, but in my case, it's also very true. But for right now, I'm pretty tired, and I have to get up pretty early tomorrow, so I should at least attempt to get ready for bed. Maybe I'll actually sleep well too.

Discoveries

In the past couple days, I've discovered some stuff. First of all, yesterday, the 422 kids had an exam during the lab period. During the exam, I discovered that I really like being on the giving side of an exam, than on the taking side. It's so much less stressful, plus, I like being able to help people while they are taking the exam. This makes me want to be a teacher even more.

Also, since I've started therapy, I've discovered a lot of things about me. I've discovered that I have a very acute, and maybe too sensitive, radar directed toward things that hurt me. Any little thing, even things that other people think wouldn't hurt me, usually do. It gets really annoying sometimes, and the only reason I pick up on these things more than other people do is because I've been put through so much pain in my life. Not physical pain, mind you, but emotional. It's like this big gaping fresh wound. And no matter how hard I try to keep it covered, people tend to find a way to, to keep this analogy going, rip off the bandage, and tear into the wound, pour salt in the wound, or anything else that can happen to a wound.

At least in therapy, I'm working through things. Today was quite painful, which is not entirely surprising. I even started to break down a bit. But then the session was over. Then afterwards I had a little help feeling better from a couple of guys named Ben & Jerry. Granted, it was only a temporary upper, but the sugar rush was nice. Then I rode the bus to my car, came home, and laid down for a little while around 3:30 because I had a headache. The next thing I knew, it was 5:00. Amazing how one can just fall asleep so quickly. I wish I could do that at night.

And now, just to prove that this blog isn't going to be only about depressing things in my life, I'm leaving on this note. On my bus ride to the car, some guy sat next to me for a few stops. When his stop came up, he asked me if I could pull the thing. I knew he meant to pull the cord to signal a stop, but my mind went straight to the gutter. :) And with that, I'm off to watch the rest of Alias and find something else to do before I go to bed.

Bah Humbug!

Yeah, it's Valentine's Day, and I'm being incredibly anti-Valentine today. I don't know why exactly. I've been in a bad frame of mind all month so far. But today is especially bad. First of all, I didn't get much sleep last night. And the sleep I did get wasn't exactly restful. But I don't think that's part of it at all. I just think this holiday is one of those Hallmark holidays where people spend loads of money on their significant other just to show them that they love them. Why is it only one day a year that people think they should do something special for the ones they love? I think it would be more special to do something like that on any random day.

Maybe I'm just so bitter because I don't really have any prospects of a romantic life. It seems like every time I meet someone, one of two things happen. One, if I'm chatting online and getting to know the person, they ask for my picture, I send it, and then they stop talking to me. Talk about a major blow to the ego. The second thing is that if I get around to meeting anyone I've met online, they almost always end up having the hots for someone else. I don't know what it is, but anyone who meets me only wants friendship with me. Granted, friends are nice, but at some point, I'd like something more. I have all these nice, little romantic thoughts in my head, but no one to share them with. Oh, well. Maybe I'll find that special someone one of these days. It's just so hard in this town to find anyone worthwhile.

Ah, well, that's enough ranting from me. I'm gonna spend the rest of the night working on 422 stuff and keeping funny stuff on TV to keep my mind off today.

Random rant about pre-emptions

OK, today I just have a random rant about one thing in particular. Pre-emptions. I know most people do not have to deal pre-emptions of their favorite shows, but they are on during prime time. However, those of us that watch soaps are constantly interrupted by them. See, I tape my soap every week and then catch up on it on the weekend. However, every once in a while my soap is interrupted by some sort of "breaking news." However, this breaking news is rarely something I'd call important. For example, this week, there was an interruption showing the pope being loaded into his "pope-mobile." They were telling us how he was let out of the hospital this week. That's nice. Yet, I don't think this news would have been worthy enough to jump into prime time programming to tell people. Granted, soaps don't get the ratings that things like Survivor, Desperate Housewives, and Will & Grace get. But still, if I were a network executive, and thought about pre-empting a show to feature news, it would have to be some pretty spectacular newsworthy event. So, that's my random rant for the day.

Long Time Coming

My, it's been a while since I've been able to write something in this. I've been incredibly busy with grading stuff for the class I TA for. So this weekend is actually free for me. It's a nice feeling, although I've forgotten what it's like to be bored. I'm glad I know how to keep myself occupied. Lately it's been a necessity to keep my mind occupied. It's just been quite the week for me. Actually it's been quite the past couple of weeks.

But I'd rather not get into that now, because that would just open a can of worms that I've been struggling to keep closed lately. It has caused me to think a lot lately. Especially now that I'm going to therapy. Some breakthroughs have been made, but not nearly enough. I know it's going to be a long time before I actually feel like a happy, mentally healthy human being. I wish it would come a lot faster, but I can't really do anything about that, now can I?

At least lately I've come to a conclusion about the future that I think will help a lot. No matter what happens with the candidacy exam, things are going to change with me. Things have to change, otherwise I may go completely insane. Not that I'm not already, but I'm more of a nice insane. Who knows what will happen otherwise?

I'm also getting really tired of helping people out and getting nothing from them in return. I've given advice, talked people through things, and other various things, but never does anyone ask me if I need to talk. And every time I try to talk to most people about anything other than small talk, anything personal about me, the conversation gets tweaked just enough so that I'm not as big a part of the conversation anymore. I mean, I'm not the kind of person to go out seeking someone to talk to, but once in a while it would be nice if someone would just let me talk about myself and things that are troubling me and just listen. But I think that may just be asking for too much. I just realized how sad it is that I feel it's too much to ask for friends to listen to me.

Well, enough of me rambling on and sounding like a pity party. I think I'm off to start reading the Order of the Phoenix, since I lent the Goblet of Fire to Terry so he has something to do at work. Maybe I'll write more tonight, and hopefully I won't be such a sad sack anymore.

Kind of just some linear stream of consciousness stuff

This week has been less than spectacular for me. All week long I've felt like I've been dragging, or more accurately, I've felt like I was on autopilot, just kind of watching as I went through life. It's a very weird feeling, almost like an out-of-body experience.

I've been thinking a lot recently, which is almost never a good thing. I guess that tends to happen when one is in therapy. I almost always end up leaving my therapist's office with more things to consider about my own life, which, I suppose, isn't terribly unusual. There are lots of things in my past that have to worked out, and I think I've only just barely scratched the surface. And then there are things on TV that I watch that make me think as well.

This brings me to a certain topic I've been thinking quite a bit about. On the soap I watch, they have a storyline about someone being in an physically abusive relationship. Now, in my opinion, if I were in an abusive relationship, not that I'd want to be, but if I were, I'd almost rather be in a physically abusive relationship because then some sort of mark is left. In a verbally or mentally abusive relationship, one has no proof that any abuse has occurred. Then once someone realizes what is going on, it's a matter of who believes either person. Some might wonder why I would be thinking about something like this, but trust me, there's a reason. There I go being cryptic.

Another thought stemming from a TV show. I was watching a repeat of Desperate Housewives and at the very end, there was a voiceover of Mary Alice (if you don't watch the show, you'll probably have no idea what I'm talking about) talking about trust, and how when someone has it, it's great, but once trust is lost, it's nearly impossible to regain. That is very, very true. Believe me, there has been some instances in my life where I had lost all trust in someone, and to this day, I still have no trust in them. And that in itself is very sad, but there's nothing I can do about it.

You can really tell what kind of mood I'm in each day when I write in this blog. Sometimes I think that I'm bipolar or something. Just looking at the various entries, it often seems like some days I'm up, and other I'm down. Unfortunately, it seems biased toward being down, but again, there's nothing I can do about that.

Well, I suppose that is about enough for tonight. I haven't decided what I'm going to do for the rest of the night. I'll either watch a movie, or do a little light reading. Or perhaps I'll just surf the net until I go to bed. So, with that, I'm off for the night.

Groundhog Day

Well, today was Groundhog Day and Phil saw his shadow, so there are going to be six more weeks of winter. What I don't get is why this is so important. It seems like all frivolous stuff to me. I mean, technically, no matter what, according to the calendar there are going to be six more weeks of winter anyway. That's just a random rant for today.

Other than that, today was a really good day. It was a short day on campus, which is always nice. After therapy, I went to Altoona to see my very best friend Ingrid. It's always fun when we get together. We've been close since our undergrad days, being two of the three total real math majors in our graduating class. It also helps that we watch similar TV shows and have very similar senses of humor.

All we really did today was stroll around the mall. In fact our first lap around the first floor, we just kind of chatted and walked not really paying attention to what stores we want to go in. We did eventually do a little window shopping, and then went to eat at Applebee's. All the while, we talked about nothing in particular and everything in general. It was nice, since I don't really get to do that all that often anymore. Most conversations I have with people are very short, so to just have a long conversation was really great.

My drive back from Altoona was less than eventful. I swear from the time I got off I99 until I got to my parking lot, I was consistently stuck behind people who refused to go more than five miles under the speed limit. It was very annoying, but there was really nothing I could do about it. Just another random rant, I guess.

Well, I suppose I don't have too much more to say, so I'll sign off for now. I may even go to bed kind of early. We'll see what happens.