Stick a fork in me..... I'm done!! The candidacy exam is over, and I couldn't be happier. I'm just hoping my weeks of studying kind of pays off. I'm very excited to be done and not have to study for hours on end and be stressed. I'm even taking the next couple weeks off. Tomorrow I head to Uniontown to see Ingrid, and then I go to Pittsburgh on Friday to stay overnight and head to the airport Saturday morning to fly to Atlanta and then to Milwaukee and I'll be home for two weeks. It should be nice, just to be away from State College. I like it here enough, but sometimes I need a break.
Anyway, I don't have much else to say in my entry tonight, which I know is shocking since my entries take up many many paragraphs. My brain is tired, and I'm completely drained. Hopefully I'll get a chance to write something in here while I'm at home. Otherwise I'll write more when I get back!
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
High Anxiety
The first part of the candidacy exam is tomorrow. And I'm really starting to get worried about it, hence the title of today's entry. I don't know if I'm prepared enough for it, or even if I'm studying the right things to be studying. It's hard to determine that, since the exam can cover anything from the four core classes in the meteorology department, plus things you may have picked up along the way, like synoptic meteorology, turbulence, or radar met even. I think I've pretty much stopped studying for the night, though. I figure that whatever I don't know by now, I'm not going to learn in the few hours I have until I go to bed. Plus, I need some downtime tonight to hopefully relax myself enough so that I'll be able to sleep tonight. I think there's a relatively high probability that my sleep tonight won't be all that great. Call it a hunch.
After all, this is the biggest exam I've ever taken in my life. And I've devoted a lot of my energy of the past two weeks to really crack down and study for it. I just hope all the effort I've put in with studying and being a TA for Meteo 422 actually pays off and I at the very least pass one section of the exam. It doesn't help that my outlook on it varies by the hour (if it's even that long). Sometimes I'll feel like there's no way I can pass this thing. Other times I feel like I have half a chance of passing. I don't think I've ever felt incredibly confident, though, which I guess is a good thing. The times I've felt really confident going to an exam, especially in graduate school, ended up with me doing much much worse than I had thought I did. So, going in feeling scared, nervous, maybe even petrified, is probably a good thing.
I'm just hoping that when I get the exam there is at least one question I feel relatively confident I can do a decent job writing up. Preferably three questions, but I'm not going to be too greedy. I just want one that I know enough about to give me a little confidence boost. That, however, may be too much to ask. (I'm a major pessimist, if you haven't been able to tell.)
No matter what, though, after tomorrow, I have to continue studying for the second section of the exam. Isn't that wonderful?! And that, I think, is going to be the harder part for me, unless a lot of the questions focus on cloud physics. Tomorrow's section, dynamics, I have a slightly better grasp on, mainly because of being a TA for it. And I never, ever thought I'd say that, considering that after my first year here, I had just a fingernail's grasp on dynamics because I had a really crappy teacher for GFD. Because of that, I think my grasp on dynamic meteorology was in serious peril.
Cloud physics, however, made me feel a bit better. I actually could do well in that class. That's because Dr. Harrington could actually teach, and the problem sets were incredible in helping us to learn the material, which is what problem sets should do. I think another part of the reason I did well in that class was that I didn't feel like I couldn't go to the professor for help. He was always incredibly willing to help students understand the material.
So, hopefully there will be enough focus on cloud physics on part two of the exam to make me feel like I can make a reasonable attempt at passing that section as well. We'll see what happens on Wednesday.
One part of a conversation I was having this morning did make me feel a bit better about this exam. Someone has said that no matter what happens with the exam, at this point, I'm the most knowledgeable about meteorology that I'll ever be. It's a good thing to feel, I guess, even though I really don't feel that way. I don't feel very confident in myself, which is not highly unusual. But this is how I usually go into tests. I don't feel confident, even after I've taken the test. I think that way I don't get too disappointed when I get the exam back.
Anyway, this test has been consuming my life lately, and thus it's consuming my blog as well.
I'll say one thing, though. After Wednesday, life is going to be so much better! I'll be just vegging out most of the night, and packing to get ready for a nice long vacation. I'm leaving on Thursday afternoon for Uniontown to visit Ingrid and her family (and possibly see the new Star Wars movie). Then I'll leave there Friday afternoon/evening to head to a hotel near the airport in Pittsburgh because I have an early (really early) morning flight home, where I'm going to stay for two whole weeks. The first of those weeks I'm probably not going to be able to do anything more mentally stimulating than watch TV probably, or maybe read a book, but other than that, I'm not doing much of anything. I'm really looking forward to it, especially after this marathon of studying and prepping for the exam.
With that, I think I'm off for the night. I'll hopefully write something in this Wednesday night after the exam is over. I already have the title of the entry in my head, and it will fit the theme I've developed for the past few entries. But, if it doesn't happen, maybe it will while I'm at home. We'll see. For now, I'm going to relax for a bit and let all the information crammed in my head sink in a bit, and hopefully get a good night's sleep. Here's hoping I do well on the exam!!
After all, this is the biggest exam I've ever taken in my life. And I've devoted a lot of my energy of the past two weeks to really crack down and study for it. I just hope all the effort I've put in with studying and being a TA for Meteo 422 actually pays off and I at the very least pass one section of the exam. It doesn't help that my outlook on it varies by the hour (if it's even that long). Sometimes I'll feel like there's no way I can pass this thing. Other times I feel like I have half a chance of passing. I don't think I've ever felt incredibly confident, though, which I guess is a good thing. The times I've felt really confident going to an exam, especially in graduate school, ended up with me doing much much worse than I had thought I did. So, going in feeling scared, nervous, maybe even petrified, is probably a good thing.
I'm just hoping that when I get the exam there is at least one question I feel relatively confident I can do a decent job writing up. Preferably three questions, but I'm not going to be too greedy. I just want one that I know enough about to give me a little confidence boost. That, however, may be too much to ask. (I'm a major pessimist, if you haven't been able to tell.)
No matter what, though, after tomorrow, I have to continue studying for the second section of the exam. Isn't that wonderful?! And that, I think, is going to be the harder part for me, unless a lot of the questions focus on cloud physics. Tomorrow's section, dynamics, I have a slightly better grasp on, mainly because of being a TA for it. And I never, ever thought I'd say that, considering that after my first year here, I had just a fingernail's grasp on dynamics because I had a really crappy teacher for GFD. Because of that, I think my grasp on dynamic meteorology was in serious peril.
Cloud physics, however, made me feel a bit better. I actually could do well in that class. That's because Dr. Harrington could actually teach, and the problem sets were incredible in helping us to learn the material, which is what problem sets should do. I think another part of the reason I did well in that class was that I didn't feel like I couldn't go to the professor for help. He was always incredibly willing to help students understand the material.
So, hopefully there will be enough focus on cloud physics on part two of the exam to make me feel like I can make a reasonable attempt at passing that section as well. We'll see what happens on Wednesday.
One part of a conversation I was having this morning did make me feel a bit better about this exam. Someone has said that no matter what happens with the exam, at this point, I'm the most knowledgeable about meteorology that I'll ever be. It's a good thing to feel, I guess, even though I really don't feel that way. I don't feel very confident in myself, which is not highly unusual. But this is how I usually go into tests. I don't feel confident, even after I've taken the test. I think that way I don't get too disappointed when I get the exam back.
Anyway, this test has been consuming my life lately, and thus it's consuming my blog as well.
I'll say one thing, though. After Wednesday, life is going to be so much better! I'll be just vegging out most of the night, and packing to get ready for a nice long vacation. I'm leaving on Thursday afternoon for Uniontown to visit Ingrid and her family (and possibly see the new Star Wars movie). Then I'll leave there Friday afternoon/evening to head to a hotel near the airport in Pittsburgh because I have an early (really early) morning flight home, where I'm going to stay for two whole weeks. The first of those weeks I'm probably not going to be able to do anything more mentally stimulating than watch TV probably, or maybe read a book, but other than that, I'm not doing much of anything. I'm really looking forward to it, especially after this marathon of studying and prepping for the exam.
With that, I think I'm off for the night. I'll hopefully write something in this Wednesday night after the exam is over. I already have the title of the entry in my head, and it will fit the theme I've developed for the past few entries. But, if it doesn't happen, maybe it will while I'm at home. We'll see. For now, I'm going to relax for a bit and let all the information crammed in my head sink in a bit, and hopefully get a good night's sleep. Here's hoping I do well on the exam!!
Thursday, May 12, 2005
An Early Summer Night's Dream
I was going to post something a couple nights ago, but ran out of time, so here it is today. The studying for the candidacy exam continues on. I lead such an exciting life. I'm starting to get tired of the entire process of studying, but I must persist, mainly because I'm too damn stubborn to quit. I almost think I may have started to study too much. On Monday night I woke up in the middle of the night in a middle of a dream involving all sorts of symbols and terminology from what I was studying. As if that isn't scary enough, everything seemed all jumbled to me when I woke up. Hopefully that's just because it was 4 am and it was just my mind's way of processing information. If not, I may just be screwed for the exam.
On Wednesday, I went out to lunch with Dr. Shirer, the professor I was a TA for. It was really nice, just going out and chatting with him. We struck up a nice rapport during the semester as I was grading everything, and I think I must have impressed him with the amount of work I put into the class. Actually, I think a lot of the students were even impressed with the amount of time I spent working with them and on the grading, and even just going to the lecture. Yes, some of my time was spent being somewhat selfish by going to the lectures to help improve my knowledge of dynamics, but a good part of it was so that I would know what was going on in class to be better able to help the students when they came in with questions from the problem set.
Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent there. I went to lunch yesterday at Chili's and had a really nice couple hour chat with Dr. Shirer, thankfully about more things than dynamics. We chatted about Europe (he'd spent some time in Germany on a post-doc, I'd been in France as a senior in high school). Then we chatted politics a little bit, mainly ranting about Bush and his anti-science leaning. Overall, it was a nice time, although I was a little disappointed with the food. I ordered chicken crispers, which I had assumed would be like normal chicken fingers with the typical breading on them. At Chili's they were battered kind of like sweet-and-sour chicken from a Chinese place. This normally wouldn't bother me all that much, but the batter was kind of gooey on the inside, so they weren't exactly the greatest. But still it was a nice time.
Then last night I went to play poker with a large number of the meteo grads. There were 14 in total, which is rather impressive. I managed to improve on my showing from last time. I wasn't the first one knocked out! I was actually playing really well, stealing blinds when I could. The cards were also sort of going my way. I was getting some good cards, but overall, they were hardly playable, but I still played them if I was in a blind. I just happened to get lucky on the flop to pair something. I was also playing a bit conservatively. I did notice that on the first hand I put more than the blinds on, I was really nervous because I actually had a hand. And I ended up winning the pot, which significantly calmed me down. I was also getting a lot of small pairs in my hole cards, which are very hard to play. But I managed to use them to my advantage.
I even made the final table last night (8 people) which means I waited out 6 other people. Unfortunately, I was the first one knocked out of the final table. I think I was losing my touch by the time that happened. The largest stack went all in after the flop, and I had two pair, aces from the flop and nines, one was in my hole cards. I decided to call him since I was the only other one left in the pot. I should have folded, but I went against my better judgment and gambled, and he ended up having a third ace in his hole cards. So, I was basically drawing dead. But it's ok. At least I learned something. I learned that I should always follow my instinct. I also learned that I shouldn't go up against the person with the biggest stack of chips unless I have a really good chance of winning. Oh, well. I improved on what I did before, so I'm happy about that. And I'm happy that the little bit of practice I put into party poker the couple nights before helped a bit. It would have been nice to be in the money, but that can be a goal for the future.
Well, I guess that's enough analysis of my last hand of poker. I've been doing enough analyzing since last night anyway.
Unfortunately, my run of luck in poker didn't extend to progressive rummy, which I played with Paul, Terry, and Andrew last night. For that game, I just couldn't catch cards at all. I got caught without being able to lay down my melds twice. But it's ok. I was getting tired by that point anyway. I didn't get to bed until after 1 am this morning. And then I couldn't sleep past 8:30, which is odd, but it suits me.
One more thing to say. The state of the world these days pretty much scares me. What kind of world is it where a man can go into such a rage that he'd kill his own daughter and her friend because his daughter went outside to play even when she was grounded. Some people just should not have kids, or be committed to an asylum. It's just a scary place.
Well, on that depressing note, I'm going to head off and study a bit more. Hopefully it will go reasonably well. At least I did have the nice study break last night to put the exam out of my head for a few hours. Tomorrow's going to be another study break because Andrew's having a graduation cookout and I'll probably go to his first ceremony tomorrow night. So, that will be nice. Then I'll have a studying marathon from Saturday to Monday. Then the exam comes.
OK, that's enough stalling. Time to get my brain in gear. Maybe I'll write another entry tonight. I doubt it, but it could happen.
On Wednesday, I went out to lunch with Dr. Shirer, the professor I was a TA for. It was really nice, just going out and chatting with him. We struck up a nice rapport during the semester as I was grading everything, and I think I must have impressed him with the amount of work I put into the class. Actually, I think a lot of the students were even impressed with the amount of time I spent working with them and on the grading, and even just going to the lecture. Yes, some of my time was spent being somewhat selfish by going to the lectures to help improve my knowledge of dynamics, but a good part of it was so that I would know what was going on in class to be better able to help the students when they came in with questions from the problem set.
Anyway, I kind of went off on a tangent there. I went to lunch yesterday at Chili's and had a really nice couple hour chat with Dr. Shirer, thankfully about more things than dynamics. We chatted about Europe (he'd spent some time in Germany on a post-doc, I'd been in France as a senior in high school). Then we chatted politics a little bit, mainly ranting about Bush and his anti-science leaning. Overall, it was a nice time, although I was a little disappointed with the food. I ordered chicken crispers, which I had assumed would be like normal chicken fingers with the typical breading on them. At Chili's they were battered kind of like sweet-and-sour chicken from a Chinese place. This normally wouldn't bother me all that much, but the batter was kind of gooey on the inside, so they weren't exactly the greatest. But still it was a nice time.
Then last night I went to play poker with a large number of the meteo grads. There were 14 in total, which is rather impressive. I managed to improve on my showing from last time. I wasn't the first one knocked out! I was actually playing really well, stealing blinds when I could. The cards were also sort of going my way. I was getting some good cards, but overall, they were hardly playable, but I still played them if I was in a blind. I just happened to get lucky on the flop to pair something. I was also playing a bit conservatively. I did notice that on the first hand I put more than the blinds on, I was really nervous because I actually had a hand. And I ended up winning the pot, which significantly calmed me down. I was also getting a lot of small pairs in my hole cards, which are very hard to play. But I managed to use them to my advantage.
I even made the final table last night (8 people) which means I waited out 6 other people. Unfortunately, I was the first one knocked out of the final table. I think I was losing my touch by the time that happened. The largest stack went all in after the flop, and I had two pair, aces from the flop and nines, one was in my hole cards. I decided to call him since I was the only other one left in the pot. I should have folded, but I went against my better judgment and gambled, and he ended up having a third ace in his hole cards. So, I was basically drawing dead. But it's ok. At least I learned something. I learned that I should always follow my instinct. I also learned that I shouldn't go up against the person with the biggest stack of chips unless I have a really good chance of winning. Oh, well. I improved on what I did before, so I'm happy about that. And I'm happy that the little bit of practice I put into party poker the couple nights before helped a bit. It would have been nice to be in the money, but that can be a goal for the future.
Well, I guess that's enough analysis of my last hand of poker. I've been doing enough analyzing since last night anyway.
Unfortunately, my run of luck in poker didn't extend to progressive rummy, which I played with Paul, Terry, and Andrew last night. For that game, I just couldn't catch cards at all. I got caught without being able to lay down my melds twice. But it's ok. I was getting tired by that point anyway. I didn't get to bed until after 1 am this morning. And then I couldn't sleep past 8:30, which is odd, but it suits me.
One more thing to say. The state of the world these days pretty much scares me. What kind of world is it where a man can go into such a rage that he'd kill his own daughter and her friend because his daughter went outside to play even when she was grounded. Some people just should not have kids, or be committed to an asylum. It's just a scary place.
Well, on that depressing note, I'm going to head off and study a bit more. Hopefully it will go reasonably well. At least I did have the nice study break last night to put the exam out of my head for a few hours. Tomorrow's going to be another study break because Andrew's having a graduation cookout and I'll probably go to his first ceremony tomorrow night. So, that will be nice. Then I'll have a studying marathon from Saturday to Monday. Then the exam comes.
OK, that's enough stalling. Time to get my brain in gear. Maybe I'll write another entry tonight. I doubt it, but it could happen.
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Sleepless in State College
It's late Sunday night and I'm not sleepy at the moment, so I decided to post at least a little something on here. Day by day I'm starting to get more and more stressed about the candidacy exam coming up. It's a very hard thing studying for a test that could cover just about anything one learns in graduate and undergraduate meteorology. Right now, I'm just trying to stick to conceptual stuff and not get too bogged down in the details. Still, it's quite difficult. And I think it is a tiny bit (I'm actually under-exaggerating here) unfair that questions on the exam can come from undergraduate classes. It specifically states that only material in the four core courses and possibly synoptics and the intro class for graduates will be tested on the exam. Yet, there are some things on it that I know I will not have seen beyond a cursory review in the core courses. But, there's nothing I can really do about that. All I can do is prepare for it the best I can and hope that something sinks in my brain. Learning by osmosis would be incredibly helpful now, but, unfortunately, I've yet to meet someone that that actually worked for.
It has been striking me as interesting (odd, weird) that a lot of the people in our department have been opting to give up and do something else with their life than continue on for their PhD. Okay, so one of these people had a baby. I can understand how that would completely change things for them. It just seems odd that people would go through the hell that is taking the candidacy exam and decide that they didn't want to pursue it further. I can see how minds would get changed and all, but I would just stick it out and then go out and find a job doing something you really liked. Of course, that's the extremely stubborn streak I have in me, so you have to take that into account. At least Terry had the right idea. He realized that he wasn't interested in pursuing this career path before he took the exam.
So, yes, motivation has been a key issue for me, and part of that is this funk that I just can't seem to pull myself out of. Usually I can stick it deep down inside of me for a little while (long enough to get some sort of productive studying out of me), but usually it comes rising back with a venegeance. I definitely think going home after the exam will help loads. At least, I hope it does. I just don't know what to do about it, though. Therapy seems to be helping somewhat, but with the exam coming up, I haven't really had a whole lot of willingness to really work on the major problems of my life. It's mainly just been trying to keep the tiny bit of sanity I have. And even after I finish the exam and no longer having it loom over me like a big dark cloud, I don't know that I'll be able to do real work on my problems. As of now, I don't have the right place in my life to be able to deal with any issues that come up in therapy outside of therapy. I'm always trying to keep up a front with people. And let me tell you, that's very draining.
See, that's the thing, though. One has to be very very strong to put up the front I have to put up. It takes a LOT of effort. Most people don't realize what has gone on in my life to make me the way I am. A good chunk of my energy every day goes into dealing with that. And there are some days where I just don't feel strong enough to be my own pillar of support all the time. I'd love to have someone to be able to rely on, besides my family. I know I can count on them for support, and they can count on me, but like I said in my last entry, support from hundreds of miles away isn't quite the same. I also don't mean just a friend either. While they are nice, and usually very good at being some support, I'd really like someone a bit closer than that. Someone I can physically and mentally lean on when I need it. I'm sure that will come in time. Yet, for some reason, I think that I need to work through my issues before I can actually have a meaningful relationship. Maybe. I could be wrong, but it does seem like a cruel twist of fate to have that happen.
Anyway, I should probably head to bed soon. Even though I'm still not tired, I need to get some sleep so I can get up in the morning and head to campus to study even more. Thrilling, isn't it?!?!
It has been striking me as interesting (odd, weird) that a lot of the people in our department have been opting to give up and do something else with their life than continue on for their PhD. Okay, so one of these people had a baby. I can understand how that would completely change things for them. It just seems odd that people would go through the hell that is taking the candidacy exam and decide that they didn't want to pursue it further. I can see how minds would get changed and all, but I would just stick it out and then go out and find a job doing something you really liked. Of course, that's the extremely stubborn streak I have in me, so you have to take that into account. At least Terry had the right idea. He realized that he wasn't interested in pursuing this career path before he took the exam.
So, yes, motivation has been a key issue for me, and part of that is this funk that I just can't seem to pull myself out of. Usually I can stick it deep down inside of me for a little while (long enough to get some sort of productive studying out of me), but usually it comes rising back with a venegeance. I definitely think going home after the exam will help loads. At least, I hope it does. I just don't know what to do about it, though. Therapy seems to be helping somewhat, but with the exam coming up, I haven't really had a whole lot of willingness to really work on the major problems of my life. It's mainly just been trying to keep the tiny bit of sanity I have. And even after I finish the exam and no longer having it loom over me like a big dark cloud, I don't know that I'll be able to do real work on my problems. As of now, I don't have the right place in my life to be able to deal with any issues that come up in therapy outside of therapy. I'm always trying to keep up a front with people. And let me tell you, that's very draining.
See, that's the thing, though. One has to be very very strong to put up the front I have to put up. It takes a LOT of effort. Most people don't realize what has gone on in my life to make me the way I am. A good chunk of my energy every day goes into dealing with that. And there are some days where I just don't feel strong enough to be my own pillar of support all the time. I'd love to have someone to be able to rely on, besides my family. I know I can count on them for support, and they can count on me, but like I said in my last entry, support from hundreds of miles away isn't quite the same. I also don't mean just a friend either. While they are nice, and usually very good at being some support, I'd really like someone a bit closer than that. Someone I can physically and mentally lean on when I need it. I'm sure that will come in time. Yet, for some reason, I think that I need to work through my issues before I can actually have a meaningful relationship. Maybe. I could be wrong, but it does seem like a cruel twist of fate to have that happen.
Anyway, I should probably head to bed soon. Even though I'm still not tired, I need to get some sleep so I can get up in the morning and head to campus to study even more. Thrilling, isn't it?!?!
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Hectic April
My God, has it been a long time since I've posted an entry!! The end of April was a very hectic month for me, as it is for just about every college or grad student I know of. It was pure craziness. I honestly don't know what happened to the time. Seriously. Looking back on it, it's all a blur. The only thing I really remember is having to grade this enormous stack of papers, which took me about five days to complete. The problems the students had to do had multiple parts and each subsequent part relied on an answer from at least one previous part. So, being the fair grader that I am, I didn't take off points if the students made an error in a previous part, but used it correctly from then on. That means that as I graded each part, I had to go back and track the source of the error. Talk about a pain in the ass! It would have been so much easier if they all did everything correctly, but alas, that did not happen.
I must say, however, that I really did enjoy the whole TA experience this time around. The class was great, very friendly, and for the most part, incredibly willing to put in some time and effort to learn the material. They must have been in the average on the second mid-term was an 87!! That is just unheard of for any exam, much less in dynamics. So, I feel I had a major part in helping the students do that well. They must have also appreciated it too. A couple of the girls knew how much effort I was putting into this class and brought me a batch of chocolate chip cookies and a six-pack of Pepsi. I thought that was incredibly sweet. It made me feel special, which is a rare thing, indeed.
I do remember one other thing from April. Jay came up to visit for Blue & White weekend, since he was in the blue band. It was nice having a member of the "gang" back for a visit. He, Terry and I went out drinking on that Friday night, which was fun. It was really nice to kick back and relax and get a little tipsy for a bit. (It was especially nice because it was in the middle of the aforementioned grading marathon.) I was especially excited because I was actually around for one of his visits. Usually they occur on holidays (when I try to go home or to a friends) or over coincidental breaks (again, I try to go home for these too). But, that's about all I remember about the last half of April.
Lately, I've been kind of going back to depressive mode. It's weird. I had a nice span of days where I felt good (relatively) about myself and felt like things were going to turn out ok. Now, I just have this sense of doom and gloom. Perhaps it's because of the candidacy exam coming up, and this is how I start to stress out about things. I've never had an exam this big before, so I don't really know the proper way to react. Yet, I'm really not sure if that's the only thing that's leading to this latest battle with depression.
I guess part of it is being lonely. Not in the sense of that there's never anyone around, but more in the sense of I don't have someone to love or that loves me. I know that's not true. There are several people out there that do love me, like my mom and sister. However, while their love is great, sometimes it's hard to feel from 750 miles away. I guess I'm just ready to find the one guy that will, and I hate to go all Jerry Maguire on you, "complete me." I have this picture in my head of having someone to sit with on the porch in summer sipping lemonade (probably with some vodka in it) just chatting and being close to one another. Or in winter sitting and cuddling near a fireplace (to satisfy my slightly pyromaniac urges) drinking wine or munching on popcorn or some other snack. Call me a hopeless romantic, but there you go.
However, I'm not sure I'm going to find this guy in State College. At least not in the ways I've been trying. But, I still want to stick around even if I don't pass the candidacy exam. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I have this sense that I might find the guy for me if I stick around longer. Who knows? I suppose it could happen.
Well, anyway, I should probably be off for now. I don't think I have much more to say at the moment. Plus, Gilmore Girls is on, and it's distracting me from continuing. Hopefully it won't be as long between entries as it was this time. We'll see how busy I get.
I must say, however, that I really did enjoy the whole TA experience this time around. The class was great, very friendly, and for the most part, incredibly willing to put in some time and effort to learn the material. They must have been in the average on the second mid-term was an 87!! That is just unheard of for any exam, much less in dynamics. So, I feel I had a major part in helping the students do that well. They must have also appreciated it too. A couple of the girls knew how much effort I was putting into this class and brought me a batch of chocolate chip cookies and a six-pack of Pepsi. I thought that was incredibly sweet. It made me feel special, which is a rare thing, indeed.
I do remember one other thing from April. Jay came up to visit for Blue & White weekend, since he was in the blue band. It was nice having a member of the "gang" back for a visit. He, Terry and I went out drinking on that Friday night, which was fun. It was really nice to kick back and relax and get a little tipsy for a bit. (It was especially nice because it was in the middle of the aforementioned grading marathon.) I was especially excited because I was actually around for one of his visits. Usually they occur on holidays (when I try to go home or to a friends) or over coincidental breaks (again, I try to go home for these too). But, that's about all I remember about the last half of April.
Lately, I've been kind of going back to depressive mode. It's weird. I had a nice span of days where I felt good (relatively) about myself and felt like things were going to turn out ok. Now, I just have this sense of doom and gloom. Perhaps it's because of the candidacy exam coming up, and this is how I start to stress out about things. I've never had an exam this big before, so I don't really know the proper way to react. Yet, I'm really not sure if that's the only thing that's leading to this latest battle with depression.
I guess part of it is being lonely. Not in the sense of that there's never anyone around, but more in the sense of I don't have someone to love or that loves me. I know that's not true. There are several people out there that do love me, like my mom and sister. However, while their love is great, sometimes it's hard to feel from 750 miles away. I guess I'm just ready to find the one guy that will, and I hate to go all Jerry Maguire on you, "complete me." I have this picture in my head of having someone to sit with on the porch in summer sipping lemonade (probably with some vodka in it) just chatting and being close to one another. Or in winter sitting and cuddling near a fireplace (to satisfy my slightly pyromaniac urges) drinking wine or munching on popcorn or some other snack. Call me a hopeless romantic, but there you go.
However, I'm not sure I'm going to find this guy in State College. At least not in the ways I've been trying. But, I still want to stick around even if I don't pass the candidacy exam. I'm not entirely sure why. Maybe I have this sense that I might find the guy for me if I stick around longer. Who knows? I suppose it could happen.
Well, anyway, I should probably be off for now. I don't think I have much more to say at the moment. Plus, Gilmore Girls is on, and it's distracting me from continuing. Hopefully it won't be as long between entries as it was this time. We'll see how busy I get.
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