Sleepless in State College

It's late Sunday night and I'm not sleepy at the moment, so I decided to post at least a little something on here. Day by day I'm starting to get more and more stressed about the candidacy exam coming up. It's a very hard thing studying for a test that could cover just about anything one learns in graduate and undergraduate meteorology. Right now, I'm just trying to stick to conceptual stuff and not get too bogged down in the details. Still, it's quite difficult. And I think it is a tiny bit (I'm actually under-exaggerating here) unfair that questions on the exam can come from undergraduate classes. It specifically states that only material in the four core courses and possibly synoptics and the intro class for graduates will be tested on the exam. Yet, there are some things on it that I know I will not have seen beyond a cursory review in the core courses. But, there's nothing I can really do about that. All I can do is prepare for it the best I can and hope that something sinks in my brain. Learning by osmosis would be incredibly helpful now, but, unfortunately, I've yet to meet someone that that actually worked for.

It has been striking me as interesting (odd, weird) that a lot of the people in our department have been opting to give up and do something else with their life than continue on for their PhD. Okay, so one of these people had a baby. I can understand how that would completely change things for them. It just seems odd that people would go through the hell that is taking the candidacy exam and decide that they didn't want to pursue it further. I can see how minds would get changed and all, but I would just stick it out and then go out and find a job doing something you really liked. Of course, that's the extremely stubborn streak I have in me, so you have to take that into account. At least Terry had the right idea. He realized that he wasn't interested in pursuing this career path before he took the exam.

So, yes, motivation has been a key issue for me, and part of that is this funk that I just can't seem to pull myself out of. Usually I can stick it deep down inside of me for a little while (long enough to get some sort of productive studying out of me), but usually it comes rising back with a venegeance. I definitely think going home after the exam will help loads. At least, I hope it does. I just don't know what to do about it, though. Therapy seems to be helping somewhat, but with the exam coming up, I haven't really had a whole lot of willingness to really work on the major problems of my life. It's mainly just been trying to keep the tiny bit of sanity I have. And even after I finish the exam and no longer having it loom over me like a big dark cloud, I don't know that I'll be able to do real work on my problems. As of now, I don't have the right place in my life to be able to deal with any issues that come up in therapy outside of therapy. I'm always trying to keep up a front with people. And let me tell you, that's very draining.

See, that's the thing, though. One has to be very very strong to put up the front I have to put up. It takes a LOT of effort. Most people don't realize what has gone on in my life to make me the way I am. A good chunk of my energy every day goes into dealing with that. And there are some days where I just don't feel strong enough to be my own pillar of support all the time. I'd love to have someone to be able to rely on, besides my family. I know I can count on them for support, and they can count on me, but like I said in my last entry, support from hundreds of miles away isn't quite the same. I also don't mean just a friend either. While they are nice, and usually very good at being some support, I'd really like someone a bit closer than that. Someone I can physically and mentally lean on when I need it. I'm sure that will come in time. Yet, for some reason, I think that I need to work through my issues before I can actually have a meaningful relationship. Maybe. I could be wrong, but it does seem like a cruel twist of fate to have that happen.

Anyway, I should probably head to bed soon. Even though I'm still not tired, I need to get some sleep so I can get up in the morning and head to campus to study even more. Thrilling, isn't it?!?!