Plans

Well, I'm finally pretty much healthy now. Antibiotics are a wonderful thing. It's really great to wake up in the morning and feel like a "normal" human being instead of a walking zombie.

So, now that I'm feeling better, I can finally get started on gearing up for the candidacy exam. I've even started studying, not quite as hard as I'd like to have been by this point, but relatively hard considering I still have just over a month to take it. At this moment, I think that no matter what happens with the exam, I'll be sticking around State College for another semester. Hopefully I'll be able to pass at least one section of the exam, though. That would be great. I'd be extremely ecstatic if I passed both parts, but I'm trying to keep my expectations low. But I'll still be a Pennsylvanian for another eight months, although not in the same place I'm living now. I've come to the realization that living with people just doesn't seem to work well for me. It's mainly my insecurities and trust issues, which I'm completely fine with taking the blame for. It's totally not my roommates' fault that I just can't live with people. It's been this way ever since I was an undergrad.

Anyway, I'm already making plans for after the candidacy exam. I'm anticipating that I'll be so incredibly brain dead that I'll need a couple weeks to recover. So, I'm planning on going home for a bit. Most likely I'll be flying because I want to, really. It'll make my life easier once the time comes. However, actually making these plans is turning out to be a real pain in the ass. First of all, I have to consider ticket price, which has gone down since I looked this weekend. Then I have to consider driving to either Pittsburgh or Philadelphia to fly home to Wisconsin. PHL is cheaper by about $15-20 and has a direct flight to MKE. However, parking there long-term is $9 a day. I also need to consider tolls, gas money, and a hotel stay. PIT, on the other hand, has more expensive flights, most with layovers (the cheapest flight has a layover in Atlanta which makes no sense to me, since I'm flying to Milwaukee - nowhere near south of Pittsburgh). But long-term parking is only $6.50 a day. That will save quite a bit of money in the long run, since I plan on flying back two weeks after I fly out of here. And there are not tolls to drive to Pittsburgh. So, there are lots of things to consider, which I will probably do this weekend, unless I have a chance to think about them during the week. That's not likely with me studying and having to grade some quizzes. But, it could happen.

Well, I should really be off to bed. Tomorrow is another ungodly early day for me. Going to the 422 lectures is really helping me prepare for the dynamics section of the candidacy exam, but getting up before the crack of dawn is no fun, whatsoever. But at least I can escape a little early tomorrow, since I have therapy in the afternoon and I usually leave straight from there. So, with that I say good night!

Pocket Pairs

Well on Wednesday I went to play poker with some other members of the meteo department. I did have a little fun, even though I was a little pissed that I was the first one out of the little tournament. Pocket pairs apparently weren't my friends that night. I had a pair of kings in my hole cards, and then another king came up on the board. I can't remember if it was on the flop or the turn. Either way, I went all in at that point, even though there was a possible straight on the board. The odds of someone having the queen to complete the straight were pretty slim. Unfortunately, that's exactly what happened. I guess after reanalyzing the hand, I could have bet a bit stronger before the flop. But I played it the best I could, and couldn't help that someone beat me.

After a while a losers table started up, and at least there I wasn't the first one out. I was the second. At this table, though, I actually won a couple pots, instead of losing every one I was a part of. But my last one, I had a pair of tens in the hole. Unfortunately, the person next to me had a pair of queens. The loss wouldn't have been so bad, if the dealer hadn't looked at what the last burn card was and showed me that it was a ten. If only I wouldn't have known that. But what can you do? I played it the only way I could.

It was still fun. Long night, though. I stayed to watch the last people play out the rest of the game to see who won. Let me tell you, if there were TV cameras there, there wouldn't have been much to show. Lots of checking going on. It was kind of boring, but once the last hand got played, it was interesting.

Other than that, not much is new with me. Long days, and I haven't been able to sleep lately at night. I even took a nap this afternoon because I was so tired. I think after this weekend, I should hopefully be over my illness finally. Or at least very close to being over it. We'll see.

Well, I'm off for now. It's nice to just chill out for the night. Who knows, maybe I'll do something exciting this weekend. Probably not, but it could happen. Night all!

A moment of weakness

Apparently my entry yesterday created quite a stir. I certainly didn't mean for it to, nor did I expect anyone to even read it. To those who did and took offense to it, I'm sorry. What you need to understand about me is that I have incredibly low self-esteem, and perceive any little thing that could be considered a "dig" at me to be a major one. And yes, what I put in my blog yesterday wasn't put the best way it could have been, but I had a moment of weakness and didn't censor myself like I almost always do. And let's face it. There isn't one person alive that hasn't stuck one's foot in one's mouth at one point or another and said something that could hurt someone else. It's just a fact of life, because we're human and we can't censor ourselves during every waking moment. It just doesn't work that way.

With that being said, I think it's an extremely good thing that I'm moving out at some point during the summer. I don't know why I was so silly and thought that I could live with people again, after having spent four years living in either single dorm rooms or single apartments. Part of me wanted this to work out, because I was getting tired of being by myself. However, after that long a time period, it's no wonder that I sort of got stuck in my ways, or something to that effect. I got used to being alone, and didn't really know how to interact with people on a constant basis. I've definitely learned a valuable lesson here. Moving in with friends doesn't seem to be a good idea because it puts an added strain on the relationship.

I also realize that I'm partially to blame for my situation. I could have spent more time chatting with my roommates. Yet I really don't think that would have changed anything in the long run. Maybe it would have. Who knows? I can't go back and change the past. (Although with some of the things in my life, I would REALLY like to.) Things could have been changed on everyone's part, really, but there's no going back to where things went wrong.

So, what have I learned from all of this? My lack of self-confidence is partially to blame for my feelings of being ignored. Not completely, mind you, but partially. I accept blame when it's rightfully deserved. I could go and chat with my roommates more often. I don't know if I would feel any less ignored that way. It's possible, but things would have to change on everyone's part. I've also learned that this blog can be quite useful in bringing things out that needed to come out, whether I thought they would come out or not. And also, that therapy can make you see things in a new light.

Anyway, today is a nice day. Unfortunately, I had to get to campus early, so I had to dress for what the weather was this morning, and not what it was going to be, so walking around this afternoon was a bit unpleasant with jeans on. It is nice to be able to walk around without a jacket and not be chilly. Seeing the sun is also a wonderful thing, especially in this town.

Well, I guess that is enough rambling. I should get some stuff done this afternoon, so I can have an enjoyable evening. I haven't quite decided whether or not I'm going to go play poker tonight with some people in the meteo department. I'm leaning towards doing it, but it all depends on how I feel later on today. So I'm off to do something more productive than this. At least, hopefully I am.

Long pauses

Well, it's been another long time since my last entry. That's mainly because I've been sick for the past almost three weeks now. It's a really frustrating thing to be sick for so long. I went to the doctor for the second time yesterday, and they determined that whatever I had before was sort of a precursor to what I have now. Basically, it's developed into bronchitis. How thrilling! I'm not all that surprised though. It definitely felt like bronchitis.

So, lately, I've been in kind of a funk, but being sickly for 18 days (I think that's how long it has been) will tend to do that to a person. Trust me, it's not fun. I've pretty much been, for all intents and purposes, been pissed off at the world in general since I've been sick. I must say I try to hide it as well as I can when I'm around people. But lately it's been hard. I just get upset over very little things. For example, late last week I had to play a round for the racquetball tournament going on in the meteorology department. For being so sick, I was playing extremely well. Either that, or the guy I was playing wasn't that great to begin with. Anyway, I decided, since I wasn't feeling that great, that we would only play best two out of three. Unfortunately, it only lasted two games; I lost both by a score of 15-12. For some reason I was incredibly upset by that. I was on the verge of a breakdown immediately after the game and until I got home. I think it was partly because my emotions were out of whack anyway after being sick for two weeks, and partly because the games were so close and I really (REALLY) wanted to win them. If I were just feeling a tiny bit better, I probably could have won, but I didn't have the energy to keep going. But, what can I do? I did the best that I could, and that in itself was amazing considering how crappy I was feeling.

I'm still not feeling all that great today. I'm just a little impatient because I've been sick for so long. I guess I feel that the Zithromax I got should start working right away. I know, that's not how it works, but still, I want to feel like a healthy, semi-normal human being. (Being normal is simply out of the question.)

Another thing that's upset me is that I couldn't go on a trip I was supposed to go on this week. Yesterday and today I was supposed to be at NASA-Goddard (I think that's what it's called anyway) for a team meeting for the project I'm working on. I spent a good chunk of Sunday preparing stuff so my advisor could present something to show I have been working on the stuff, but I would have liked to have been able to go and present it myself. However, it's probably best that I didn't go. My body needed a couple days of not doing anything too strenuous, and that's what yesterday and today have been spent doing.

There was a little bright spot that occurred yesterday. One of my roommates actually took a couple minutes to come chat with me and see how I was doing. It made me feel special, especially considering that the other roommate doesn't even bother pretending to notice me unless I'm downstairs at the same time that he is. Most of the time I feel pretty much ignored by both my roommates unless I'm right in front of their faces, but at least Terry sometimes tries to make an effort to talk to me and see how I'm doing and have a little conversation. So, I was a little happy yesterday. It always feels good to have someone validate your existence.

Anyway, I've gone on rambling for long enough. I should probably eat some lunch soon, and take a pill to get rid of my illness finally. Hopefully it won't be as long between entries as it has been recently.

Random Rants

Well, today I'm still sick, and that may explain why I've been in a more bitchy mood than normal. The first thing today that got me started was the whole Terry Schiavo drama that's going on. The thing that really gets me about the whole thing is that Congress and President Bush had to stick their noses into this business. What right do they have to determine if her feeding tube should be reinserted or not? This is such a personal decision, and to have it politicized like this is just wrong. It should be the decision of the family. First and foremost, her husband. He is the one that knows her best and knows that she wouldn't want to live like this.

Sure, she didn't have a living will, and that's why her family is so set against her feeding tube being removed. But, she's been in what they call a "persistent vegetative state" for 15 years. Do they really think that something is going to change in the near future? I can't see their reasoning. I mean, it's true she's not suffering, but it's still not much of a life.

And the fact that the president decided to try to get the decision of several courts reversed is beyond me. I thought he would have enough to think about with the war in Iraq, and other national and international concerns. But, hey, who am I to judge?

I have another random rant. (I told you I was quite bitchy lately.) I'm getting really sick of the gay.com community. At least the one in State College. Most of the people I talk to are so focused on looks. I know I'm not much to look at really, but at least I have a personality, unlike many of the people I've talked to on there. These people have to realize that if they're looking for something more long-term, personality is what counts. Looks will fade, but a personality will last the rest of your life. I realize I'm generalizing a bit. There are a couple of people I've talked with on there that have become friends, even after seeing what I look like, but those have been few and far between. I'm just sick of people judging me solely based on what I look like.

It doesn't help that I'm depressed, too. So, it tends to hurt me more than it probably would other people. The least I ask from people is a little common courtesy. And that's not just from people on gay.com, but people in general.

Well, I guess I'm done ranting for the day. I'm actually really exhausted, so I think I'm taking the night off from doing any sort of work. So, tonight is relax night for me. Hopefully I'll feel better both physically and emotionally tomorrow.

First entry in quite a while

It's been such a long time since I've posted something on here. I guess I've been really busy. Well, not completely. A couple weeks ago was spring break. That was nice. For the first weekend of it, I went to Uniontown to visit my friend Ingrid. We went to the Pittsburgh zoo. It was a nice zoo, but by no means the best zoo I've ever seen. I will say I was impressed by the aquarium there. It's the first zoo I've been to that had an aquarium. But as for the other animal exhibits, I've definitely seen better. The Milwaukee zoo has many more. Even the Green Bay (technically Suamico) N.E.W. zoo is better, in my opinion. But it was nice to go somewhere new. After that, we were quite hungry. We were going to go the Cheesecake Factory, but they had a 15-30 minute wait. I've heard that's not bad for one of those places, but we were too hungry to wait that long. So, we went to the Irish pub across the street from it. They had good food there. We ended up having cheesecake for dessert. They made it with Bailey's Irish Cream. It was pretty strong. I was getting a little buzz from it.

After that, I drove home to Wisconsin. It was nice to be home. I've really been missing it lately. I think it's partly because it's relaxing at home. I don't get much down time while I'm here. I'm always busy grading papers, working on problem sets for the class I'm grading for, working on research, or something else related to school. So my down time is limited at best. It was nice to not have anything to worry about for an entire week. During that week, I finished reading Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Great book! It sets a high standard for the Half Blood Prince. I think every book in the series gets better and better. They also get longer and longer, which means that by the end of the series, the book will be over 1000 pages long.

On the way back from home, I stopped overnight in Cleveland. I always like being able to take my time on the drive back. I was a little pissed off, though. I went to bed at around 2am (because I had to finish Harry Potter) and some idiot that had the hotel room before I did set the alarm for 3:30am. I was NOT pleased. So, I didn't get as much sleep as I would have liked. But then I made the rest of the drive back to my apartment and unpacked.

Last week was the first week back after spring break. And I had to hit the ground running. I had lots of papers to grade yet, a presentation to give on Friday, and other things I needed to get done. Add on top of that fighting off an illness, and it seemed like I was drowning in stuff I needed to get done. Needless to say, with all that stress, the illness had an advantage over me.

So, now I'm sick. It's not my typical sick, though. I just have this sort of dizzy feeling. And I'm run down, but that's not an incredibly new feeling to me. I always feel run down. I never feel like I can get enough sleep, even when I do. It always seems like I'm running on empty. The dizziness is something new though. That's the only reason I know I'm sick. Hopefully it will get better soon. Of course, it would definitely get better if I would just slow down, but that's not going to happen. I don't have the time the just rest.

Well, I guess I don't have too much more to say. I should really go to bed relatively soon. I need to get the rest while I can get it. And maybe tomorrow I'll be in a better mood, both physically and mentally.

It's March

It's been a very long day for me. I started off by waking up a bit earlier than I would have liked because I wasn't sure how bad the roads were going to be here or how long it would take to clean off my car. And of course, Penn State doesn't cancel or have a two-hour delay, while every school within a 100-mile radius (OK, I may be exaggerating a little here) was either closed or delayed. It's not like I'm not used to it, though. My high school and the neighboring town's high school were notorious for never closing. It took a lot to actually shut the school down. And then there was Roncalli, which would close if they saw that there was going to be a chance of flurries. Again, I exaggerate, but not by a whole lot.

Then today I was kept busy with reading a paper that I have to present on Thursday, studying for the candidacy exam, and having students come in to office hours. Then there was lab, in which a surprising number of people stuck around for, considering we were done with official business by about 4:10. A good number actually stayed the entire time, until 5:30. After that I went to get my car from the BJC to move it to Walker's parking lot, went to grab some food, and then went to the last home men's gymnastics meet of the season. It was actually a very exciting meet, because it was international. We hosted the men's team from Japan. Quite impressive, I must say. And I got a free t-shirt. After going to all the gymnastics meets and numerous women's basketball games, I finally came away with a free shirt!

Well, spring break is in a few days for me. I'm really looking forward to getting the hell out of State College for a while. It's a nice town, but it can be a bit stifling. The first part of spring break I'm going to visit Ingrid in Uniontown. We'll probably go to Pittsburgh on Saturday and either go to the zoo or to a museum. Then on Sunday I'm traveling back to good ol' Wisconsin. Not your typical spring break destination, but there you go. I want to go visit my family again before summer. I'll be spending about a week back home, which will be incredibly nice. I also look forward to relaxing a good bit. I seem to be running dangerously low on energy lately. It's hard work to keep going because I always have stuff to do. And then there's the very good chance that I will catch whatever bug is going around the meteo department lately. I'm very tempted to go buy a can of Lysol and fumigate my apartment, since both my roomies have been sick relatively recently. As long as I am healthy enough to drive home and get back here I don't really care if I get sick. Hopefully, my body will listen to me. I don't want to have to spend spring break like I did last year, feeling horribly sick the entire week I had off.

I was just thinking recently about a previous entry I had made. It concerned seeing a robin near the end of January or the beginning of February. I think it must have been extremely confused. Either that, or spring may just have been making a cameo appearance, or winter was taking a brief holiday. Who knows?

Well, on that note, I think I'm off to bed. Tomorrow's an ungodly early day. And I'm exhausted.

TGIF

Well, tonight I had a good night. I went to see Closer with Andrew this evening. They were showing it for free at the HUB. It was a pretty good movie. All about relationships and how they go wrong. There were some pretty powerful performances by Clive Owen and Natalie Portman, too. I'm not surprised that they got nominated for some Oscars.

Then after that, we went down to get some cheap pizza in the HUB, and then were kind of sidetracked by a magic show. Pretty cool stuff.

All in all, it was a very nice night. Especially nice was having pleasant conversation with Andrew. I always enjoy having conversations with people. They don't have to be really personal conversations, just about general stuff that comes to mind.

And now I'm slipping back into a depressed state. Or maybe it's just exhaustion. I'm not sure which. They both are kind of similar. Of course, it's good that I'm tired now. I have to get up kind of early tomorrow to go get an oil change, and do other odds and ends. Then Sunday will probably be work day for me. But we'll see how it goes. For now, I'm off to bed.

I can't think of a title today....

Today started off being not the greatest but is starting to look up. Getting up this morning was no small feat for me. I couldn't get to sleep last night, until at least midnight. Then 6am come really quickly after that. So, I wasn't really in a pleasant mood this morning. But I went to class, and was fairly productive while I was in the office, which is always a good feeling.

Then I went to therapy, which went pretty well. It was actually nice today to leave therapy without feeling like drowning myself in ice cream. I'm slowly starting to work some stuff out in regards to my personal life and everything else going on my life. I'm glad I finally got myself to go to therapy. It's definitely helpful, especially in realizing what I need to do to keep myself from going completely psychotic.

After therapy, I headed to Irving's to meet a guy I had chatted with online recently. He's a very nice fellow: a grad student in geology. Quite nice, a little softspoken, but very friendly. We only got to chat for a half hour, though, which was kind of sad, because the time just flew by while we chatted. I think at the very least, I've made a new friend, which is something I could use a lot more of. It's good to get together with new people and discover common interests. What's also nice about him is that he's Irish. I don't know what it is about Irish and British accents, but they're so pleasant on the ears. I'm very glad I struck up a conversation with him online, especially since he seems rather normal, unlike a good percentage of the crowd that's online.

So, today is definitely looking up. An added bonus is that Wednesdays are my days to cut out of the office early. I still have some work to do here, though, but not as much as I had originally thought I would have to do.

Later tonight I may go back to campus for a bit. There is a talk being presented on the recent tsunami that sounds interesting. It can't hurt to go and listen in, just for the extra added knowledge. Plus I've always been interested in earthquakes, so it should hopefully be worth my while. I'm always a little leery, though, sometimes titles of talks sound interesting, but end up being incredibly boring.

Well, with that, I'm off to finish up a little work, then maybe eat something, and see what goes on for the rest of the night.

Another Monday

Well, you'd think I'd have enough time on the weekends to actually post something, but apparently I don't. This weekend actually did get busy very quickly. First of all, my advisor decided to remind me about a summer research program where I could get some extra funds for summer on Friday. That's all well and good, but not incredibly helpful when the application was due today. So, that took up a good chunk of my weekend.

I also was at the BJC both days this weekend for different events. There was a dual mens/womens gymnastics meet on Saturday there, because Rec Hall was taken up by the Thon dancers. That was a good time, and not only because there was some nice eye candy out performing. I've always enjoyed watching gymnastics, probably because I wanted to be a gymnast when I was growing up. Unfortunately in small town Wisconsin, gymnastics wasn't really an option, especially for a young boy. Heaven forbid a boy wanted to do something that wasn't all that masculine, like football or baseball. Anyway, both teams won the meet, and some members of both teams gave some really spectacular performances.

Then on Sunday was the last home Lady Lions basketball game. That was also a very good game. The women looked very good, as they usually do at home. If they could only look that good on the road.... And of course, when the student section doesn't have Jen Harris to root for, she has a stellar day, scoring loads of points. But it was definitely a great game. Great crowd, too. And someone on Northwestern's team got fouled out. I always enjoy it when someone on the other team fouls out.

Today was a long day, as usual for Mondays. I'm telling you, this getting up early stuff is for the birds. Plus I was busy trying to get my application for this grant ready, and reading the articles I needed to for class. And with the snow and the ice last night, cleaning off my car was loads of fun. The brush part didn't do a damn thing, so I ended up using the scraper to make a hole and then pushing off the snow with my arms. It must have been quite the sight.

Surprisingly today, I'm not feeling as down as I usually do. I'm not sure why that is, but I'll take it. I am, however, extremely tired, so I'm off to bed. At least I don't have to get up as early tomorrow morning.

Another long day

Well, today was quite the day. I was on campus from about 9am to 9pm. Granted, the last three hours or so were spent at the women's basketball game. Other than that, I was busy for the most part, when I could focus. Lately I've just had a lot of trouble staying focused on anything I have to do. Maybe it's because I haven't been getting enough sleep. Well, actually I get enough sleep, but it really hasn't been restful. I wake up feeling more tired than when I went to bed.

Of course, a big part of it is that I haven't been in the best frame of mind, as has been evidenced by my previous few entries. This month is just bad in terms of things I don't really want to remember or be a part of. There really isn't anything I can do about that, though, except live through it. And that's what is hard.

Because I've been in this bad frame of mind lately, I've been either incredibly sad, or incredibly pissy. Sometimes it's both at the same time, which I realize is an odd combination. Most of the time it's really for no apparent reason, just a general sadness. I'm really getting sick of this feeling, and that's why I'm going to therapy. I just wish I could get through the pain quicker. I know that's very unrealistic, but it would still be nice.

Oh, well. What can I do? I try to take it one day at a time, which is such a cliche, but in my case, it's also very true. But for right now, I'm pretty tired, and I have to get up pretty early tomorrow, so I should at least attempt to get ready for bed. Maybe I'll actually sleep well too.

Discoveries

In the past couple days, I've discovered some stuff. First of all, yesterday, the 422 kids had an exam during the lab period. During the exam, I discovered that I really like being on the giving side of an exam, than on the taking side. It's so much less stressful, plus, I like being able to help people while they are taking the exam. This makes me want to be a teacher even more.

Also, since I've started therapy, I've discovered a lot of things about me. I've discovered that I have a very acute, and maybe too sensitive, radar directed toward things that hurt me. Any little thing, even things that other people think wouldn't hurt me, usually do. It gets really annoying sometimes, and the only reason I pick up on these things more than other people do is because I've been put through so much pain in my life. Not physical pain, mind you, but emotional. It's like this big gaping fresh wound. And no matter how hard I try to keep it covered, people tend to find a way to, to keep this analogy going, rip off the bandage, and tear into the wound, pour salt in the wound, or anything else that can happen to a wound.

At least in therapy, I'm working through things. Today was quite painful, which is not entirely surprising. I even started to break down a bit. But then the session was over. Then afterwards I had a little help feeling better from a couple of guys named Ben & Jerry. Granted, it was only a temporary upper, but the sugar rush was nice. Then I rode the bus to my car, came home, and laid down for a little while around 3:30 because I had a headache. The next thing I knew, it was 5:00. Amazing how one can just fall asleep so quickly. I wish I could do that at night.

And now, just to prove that this blog isn't going to be only about depressing things in my life, I'm leaving on this note. On my bus ride to the car, some guy sat next to me for a few stops. When his stop came up, he asked me if I could pull the thing. I knew he meant to pull the cord to signal a stop, but my mind went straight to the gutter. :) And with that, I'm off to watch the rest of Alias and find something else to do before I go to bed.

Bah Humbug!

Yeah, it's Valentine's Day, and I'm being incredibly anti-Valentine today. I don't know why exactly. I've been in a bad frame of mind all month so far. But today is especially bad. First of all, I didn't get much sleep last night. And the sleep I did get wasn't exactly restful. But I don't think that's part of it at all. I just think this holiday is one of those Hallmark holidays where people spend loads of money on their significant other just to show them that they love them. Why is it only one day a year that people think they should do something special for the ones they love? I think it would be more special to do something like that on any random day.

Maybe I'm just so bitter because I don't really have any prospects of a romantic life. It seems like every time I meet someone, one of two things happen. One, if I'm chatting online and getting to know the person, they ask for my picture, I send it, and then they stop talking to me. Talk about a major blow to the ego. The second thing is that if I get around to meeting anyone I've met online, they almost always end up having the hots for someone else. I don't know what it is, but anyone who meets me only wants friendship with me. Granted, friends are nice, but at some point, I'd like something more. I have all these nice, little romantic thoughts in my head, but no one to share them with. Oh, well. Maybe I'll find that special someone one of these days. It's just so hard in this town to find anyone worthwhile.

Ah, well, that's enough ranting from me. I'm gonna spend the rest of the night working on 422 stuff and keeping funny stuff on TV to keep my mind off today.

Random rant about pre-emptions

OK, today I just have a random rant about one thing in particular. Pre-emptions. I know most people do not have to deal pre-emptions of their favorite shows, but they are on during prime time. However, those of us that watch soaps are constantly interrupted by them. See, I tape my soap every week and then catch up on it on the weekend. However, every once in a while my soap is interrupted by some sort of "breaking news." However, this breaking news is rarely something I'd call important. For example, this week, there was an interruption showing the pope being loaded into his "pope-mobile." They were telling us how he was let out of the hospital this week. That's nice. Yet, I don't think this news would have been worthy enough to jump into prime time programming to tell people. Granted, soaps don't get the ratings that things like Survivor, Desperate Housewives, and Will & Grace get. But still, if I were a network executive, and thought about pre-empting a show to feature news, it would have to be some pretty spectacular newsworthy event. So, that's my random rant for the day.

Long Time Coming

My, it's been a while since I've been able to write something in this. I've been incredibly busy with grading stuff for the class I TA for. So this weekend is actually free for me. It's a nice feeling, although I've forgotten what it's like to be bored. I'm glad I know how to keep myself occupied. Lately it's been a necessity to keep my mind occupied. It's just been quite the week for me. Actually it's been quite the past couple of weeks.

But I'd rather not get into that now, because that would just open a can of worms that I've been struggling to keep closed lately. It has caused me to think a lot lately. Especially now that I'm going to therapy. Some breakthroughs have been made, but not nearly enough. I know it's going to be a long time before I actually feel like a happy, mentally healthy human being. I wish it would come a lot faster, but I can't really do anything about that, now can I?

At least lately I've come to a conclusion about the future that I think will help a lot. No matter what happens with the candidacy exam, things are going to change with me. Things have to change, otherwise I may go completely insane. Not that I'm not already, but I'm more of a nice insane. Who knows what will happen otherwise?

I'm also getting really tired of helping people out and getting nothing from them in return. I've given advice, talked people through things, and other various things, but never does anyone ask me if I need to talk. And every time I try to talk to most people about anything other than small talk, anything personal about me, the conversation gets tweaked just enough so that I'm not as big a part of the conversation anymore. I mean, I'm not the kind of person to go out seeking someone to talk to, but once in a while it would be nice if someone would just let me talk about myself and things that are troubling me and just listen. But I think that may just be asking for too much. I just realized how sad it is that I feel it's too much to ask for friends to listen to me.

Well, enough of me rambling on and sounding like a pity party. I think I'm off to start reading the Order of the Phoenix, since I lent the Goblet of Fire to Terry so he has something to do at work. Maybe I'll write more tonight, and hopefully I won't be such a sad sack anymore.

Kind of just some linear stream of consciousness stuff

This week has been less than spectacular for me. All week long I've felt like I've been dragging, or more accurately, I've felt like I was on autopilot, just kind of watching as I went through life. It's a very weird feeling, almost like an out-of-body experience.

I've been thinking a lot recently, which is almost never a good thing. I guess that tends to happen when one is in therapy. I almost always end up leaving my therapist's office with more things to consider about my own life, which, I suppose, isn't terribly unusual. There are lots of things in my past that have to worked out, and I think I've only just barely scratched the surface. And then there are things on TV that I watch that make me think as well.

This brings me to a certain topic I've been thinking quite a bit about. On the soap I watch, they have a storyline about someone being in an physically abusive relationship. Now, in my opinion, if I were in an abusive relationship, not that I'd want to be, but if I were, I'd almost rather be in a physically abusive relationship because then some sort of mark is left. In a verbally or mentally abusive relationship, one has no proof that any abuse has occurred. Then once someone realizes what is going on, it's a matter of who believes either person. Some might wonder why I would be thinking about something like this, but trust me, there's a reason. There I go being cryptic.

Another thought stemming from a TV show. I was watching a repeat of Desperate Housewives and at the very end, there was a voiceover of Mary Alice (if you don't watch the show, you'll probably have no idea what I'm talking about) talking about trust, and how when someone has it, it's great, but once trust is lost, it's nearly impossible to regain. That is very, very true. Believe me, there has been some instances in my life where I had lost all trust in someone, and to this day, I still have no trust in them. And that in itself is very sad, but there's nothing I can do about it.

You can really tell what kind of mood I'm in each day when I write in this blog. Sometimes I think that I'm bipolar or something. Just looking at the various entries, it often seems like some days I'm up, and other I'm down. Unfortunately, it seems biased toward being down, but again, there's nothing I can do about that.

Well, I suppose that is about enough for tonight. I haven't decided what I'm going to do for the rest of the night. I'll either watch a movie, or do a little light reading. Or perhaps I'll just surf the net until I go to bed. So, with that, I'm off for the night.

Groundhog Day

Well, today was Groundhog Day and Phil saw his shadow, so there are going to be six more weeks of winter. What I don't get is why this is so important. It seems like all frivolous stuff to me. I mean, technically, no matter what, according to the calendar there are going to be six more weeks of winter anyway. That's just a random rant for today.

Other than that, today was a really good day. It was a short day on campus, which is always nice. After therapy, I went to Altoona to see my very best friend Ingrid. It's always fun when we get together. We've been close since our undergrad days, being two of the three total real math majors in our graduating class. It also helps that we watch similar TV shows and have very similar senses of humor.

All we really did today was stroll around the mall. In fact our first lap around the first floor, we just kind of chatted and walked not really paying attention to what stores we want to go in. We did eventually do a little window shopping, and then went to eat at Applebee's. All the while, we talked about nothing in particular and everything in general. It was nice, since I don't really get to do that all that often anymore. Most conversations I have with people are very short, so to just have a long conversation was really great.

My drive back from Altoona was less than eventful. I swear from the time I got off I99 until I got to my parking lot, I was consistently stuck behind people who refused to go more than five miles under the speed limit. It was very annoying, but there was really nothing I could do about it. Just another random rant, I guess.

Well, I suppose I don't have too much more to say, so I'll sign off for now. I may even go to bed kind of early. We'll see what happens.

First Day of Spring?!

Well, I have lots of thoughts that would probably take up many, many entries, but at the moment, I saw something rather surprising today. As I was walking to the bus stop from the pool, I saw a robin! I couldn't believe it. I realize that it's pretty warm out today, but I thought it was way to early for the robins to start showing themselves. I think they'll be in for a rude awakening. Unless our winter was just that short this year.

Today was a rather long day. Getting up for an 8am class, then running around most of the day trying to get a hold of Dr. Shirer to go over the grades I gave on the homeworks, reading for my oceans seminar, and going to the lecture one of the candidates for the professor opening gave. Then I went swimming and had to finish up some stuff. So, this is the first time today that I've had a bit of time, and it's 10:30. So, after all that, I'm exhausted, so I'm off to bed. Night!

Sunrise, Swimming, and other things

Well, today was another day where I had to get up before the crack of dawn. It gets really sickening after a while. I'm so not a morning person. And then there's the fact that I never really see sunrise. This is State College after all. Half the time, the only way to tell the difference between day and night is to see if the sky is black or gray.

This afternoon I had a therapy session, which continues to seem really helpful. I get to talk about my feelings to someone in State College that will actually listen to what I have to say. Plus, I have so much stuff that I need to work through that it will probably take many years to work through and heal. I always knew that by the time I was 25 that I'd need to see a therapist. I didn't think I'd have had as many different therapists as I have had. It doesn't help that I keep moving. But all in all, it's very good for me. I really need to start healing.

After therapy I went swimming, which is always nice. Today is the first day this week where the pool wasn't busy and no one decided to just hop in my lane without warning me first. I even swam an extra hundred yards today because I had some extra time. So, that brings today's total to 1000 yards, and this week I've swum 2800 yards. Not bad if you ask me. Although in high school I used to swim 3500 yards a night. I don't think I'll do that anytime soon, but at least I'm working my way up.

Tonight I've just been kinda lounging around, maybe I'll do some work eventually. I'm not sure if I'll grade or read some stuff for my oceans seminar. We'll see. Hopefully I can cool my room down a bit before bed, though. I got back this afternoon and it was 80F, so I opened my window, and somehow it rose to be 84F. I'm not quite sure how that can possible happen, especially with the window open. Now I have my fan blowing near the window, so hopefully that will help to cool things off.

Anyway, I should really attempt to work up some motivation to do something. And then, of course, I'll be watching Alias. :) So, here goes nothing!

Hurdles

I've been thinking lately while sort of preparing for the candidacy exam that it just seems like one big unnecessary hurdle. I mean, I realize that there needs to be something for people to do to show that they are qualified to continue on to get a PhD, but it seems like a test isn't necessarily the best way to do it. I've often heard in science that a lot of it is collaboration, but yet, we have to take this test ourselves. I know that some things need to be memorized, but when did it become necessary for us to work problems all by ourselves in order to continue on? We're even encouraged to work with people on homework assignments and in our research, but not on the candidacy exam. It just seems odd.

I also realize that there are some things we learn that we should memorize, but do we really need to be tested on them? I like the idea that some other departments have. Some give people a recent topic that has been researched and have them do a presentation on it. It seems like more of a reasonable thing to do. But, what do I know about what the meteo department feels is necessary for a PhD student to know?

That's just what I've been thinking recently. Only because during the reviews sessions, sometimes I feel very confident about the test, and others I REALLY don't. But, I'll stick it through and hopefully pass. If not, I do have a backup plan.

Well, that's about it for now. I'm getting sleepy and may go to bed even earlier than I have in probably years.